Oh God Mom...On the Rx-Leanne

Stripping down to the nitty gritty of life after divorce On the Rx with Leanne from....
Oh God Mom. A podcast.  

Transcript

spk_0:   0:00
what makes communications so sexy? You d'oh! You're listening to cocktails on the rocks. For those who dig a little deeper than the rest, get your antidote mix of freaky tales about relationships here where your story is safe with us. So pour a glass and come join the conversation. I'm your host, Adrian. See? Yeah, right there. Because it meant something to him and something. Wait a second. Let's just stop real quick because this is still important. This was something I wanted to catch, and I caught it. I'm so glad you didn't wanna have kids, But you did it for him, Which doing that for him includes It's the rest of your life. I mean it tear, you're fucking body apart. Besides that, it changes your whole biological everything. So see what we do. That's what we d'oh! Hey, guys, that we do for

spk_1:   1:13
you, Theo. And then start staying home. We had a deal. Whoever made more money would be the one that would work in the other wounds. They're wrong because he had come from a divorced family and he really wanted the kids to have a parent at home. And I didn't disagree with that that was a choice I made fact, I was gonna go back to work, and then after it. So you're really in bed looking Internet like hell. I'm not going back to work infection over his way for a month. But also, we can afford a good like we couldn't afford for me. I would have worked in the money, would have gone to day care that it was definitely the mutual decision for that. Then I was like, Well, okay, if I'm gonna be seeing my mom would be the most stable. I found it very difficult to be at home because I'm such a do her. Yes,

spk_0:   1:57
we will hear this throughout the story. She is a do er,

spk_1:   2:00
yeah, being a state home. Mom, you can only play Plato so many times without wanting to blow your head off. And it was fun. I created stuff I was a maniac. Like in the summers, I would come up with things. I thought the kids should be learning that they were learning in school and I'd create like a world in our house. I kiddingly built Stonehenge in our yard. One year on, like I have studied the round table and I had a store that was like the Harry store. My the book that is other kids would do something and then get a reward from the store for that. Like, this is what it was like to be in my house. I had ridiculous birthday parties that where I created whole worlds. Like the language in the wardrobe when you're I created that whole world in the boulevard outside her house in And that when you were like, Okay, I'm so glad I really wanted to have a Halloween party. And so we built a haunted house in our garage in September for her party. I think she was in kindergarten. I mean, I had a lot of fun with all of that. That was all great.

spk_0:   3:02
At what point did you say? You know what? I really fucking regret doing this for him not being a mom, but just staying at home and

spk_1:   3:12
Bela Nice. My jewelry to pay rent would have been the day that I was like, What the hell was I thinking? I was He was He was after, you know, that was after he left. I didn't really regret the whole thing until it all itself. Yeah, that's that. When I was like I What was I thinking? Why didn't I put money away? That was mine. Why didn't that feel something for myself in case something went wrong? I never I just never thought anything would go wrong. Okay, so let's start

spk_0:   3:38
from when you got there. He asked you to go to the bar?

spk_1:   3:40
Yeah. We've been married 14 years on our oldest daughter was in Australia for a trip. I could tell something was wrong. It wasn't acting like himself. He was being. It's being weird to Disneyland with our youngest weeks without, we have some time, just the three of us, and Sawyer is gone. So we have a date on the Monday and I really thought he was going to tell me you want to quit his job because he was He wasn't happy. I really wasn't happy. And he always told me it was his job and he travels a lot. And so we get to the bar, he had gotten her drinks and he launches into the story about how he isn't happy at all. And I said, Yeah, I know, I know because workings like No, actually, I've been lying to you for years. I actually love work, and I am miserable when I'm home with you and the girls Fucking dare. Yeah,

spk_0:   4:31
the audacity and still feel like it's I can't hear you. What did you do when he said that to you? What did What did you feel like?

spk_1:   4:39
I said, Are you asking me for doors? He goes, I think we should it. And then I picked up my last third across there. Julia. Me? I did not recommend you do that. You know, a bar. They like it very much. I didn't go back there for years. No, I physically felt like I've been punched. I remember, like, actually folding over because it was such a shock. Yeah, like such a shock. I couldn't believe it.

spk_0:   4:59
The reactions that we have immediate reactions. You're sitting there thinking that your partner with this person, you're doing things together, right? And one of the things you did for him was allow yourself open to you know what? I'll be a mom. Yep. And that's a big commitment. Yeah, when someone sits on them. Yeah, I think we should like no big deal. I've been lying to you. I can't imagine why people go. Oh, I can't believe how reactive you get with certain things. What, did you really want to do

spk_1:   5:28
it? I felt like I was lying to me about lying to me. It just was so crazy to me that everything he was doing was a lie, and I didn't believe him. But I also didn't know any different. And, you know, you immediately go to, like, what have I done which stocks? As much as having kids was something I did for him. There were a lot of things that, like we moved across country five times in seven years for his career. I have been in Indiana when my daughter was born Lily and we were there about 45 years and I got really involved with Indianapolis Ballet on. They had this amazing position. It was part time and they picked one volunteer year, you know, like dress up and go out to lunch is to get money to raise it for the valley. It's a really prestigious thing to be asked. Yeah, I was the youngest person to ever This is April, and in May. He came to me and said he did not want any more and want to find a different job. So we moved to another city and that actually really hurt because I really wanted to do that. There's something that when you ask me, it's a point about regrets. That is something I regret because I was so excited about that. I remember it really hurt. I also didn't go back to grad school, even though in the beginning he really wanted me to was really, like, should do anything. You could do anything. And then over the years, so I don't have Thio money. You shouldn't do that. Sure, Yeah, there are lots of times and I will say I am in a different spot now. It's been many years, 13 years since we've separated got Morris. I am sure that if we have this conversation with him, he would say there were things he gave up as well and I think he did. I don't think he saw it like that. I think he was giving up his dreams, and then he was angry about it, but he didn't realize that we both given them up to do a thing together. You did in the beginning we talked about, but over the years, that wasn't it. I think you woke up one day and one in two different life and decided to just start all over.

spk_0:   7:29
You know, I like that I woke up like that many times. Like I wake up in my mansion, we feel the same way they do. We're not the same people. Man and woman are not the same. But we do have the same drives we did. Absolutely. That's the same. But they act so differently, was a lawyer I had and I was in the same like you. Like God. Why is he lying? Maybe he's not sure. I was saying Maybe he's not sure He must be confused, right, Because that was my job. Take care of everything. So I said to my lawyer, I don't understand how this happened and I knew this and I knew this, but and he did that. She said, Let me tell you something. They get away with it because you let them gotten away with it for so long, she said. The minute that you don't feel good about whatever's happening, you need to say something or you need to get out. Yeah, that to me. I mean, in that tender, vulnerable moment for me, I was That's so me. But at the same time, I thought, Now I think she's fucking right. And there's no way that today somebody could come into my life and go No, no,

spk_1:   8:37
no. My mother in law actually once said because Brian disappeared for many years and wasn't around kids. She said he couldn't do it because he knows you would never do that. Yeah, you know, she'll never abandon them. So he knows he'll be fine. Yeah, So he can do it. She goes. It's actually a shame you're not worst mother. You know, just freaking week isn't crazy, But I know there were times I thought about it, but I couldn't do year olds. That makes students that So I was like, No, but it was two things

spk_0:   9:08
that we think are so horrible actually do always end up something comes out of it. So I want it. That's why I want to talk to you about your when you I didn't have money and yet, you know, he said, I'm done and you're pissed. Please tell us this. Fabulous. You're such a true inspiration. You're a real hero, You know, there has to be more heroes, Not just like one going on the moon. You're a hero if you're giving birth to people that you don't really want Thio because you decided to do it for someone else. Your hero. When you sit there and your husband tells you he's done and you want to leave and you handle it with grace and dignity, which, by the way, I think throwing a glass across the room is grace and dignity because yeah, because I love where you also said to him when you got home. No, fuck. You know? Okay, so then what happened after that? You went home and said No. Fuck you. You're not getting a divorce.

spk_1:   10:10
I said no that we've been married 15 years, Shouldn't get to walk in and just decided we're getting divorced over drinks, offered streaks on the rocks. I'm going to bed and I just want about And he was like, I have to say it was healing time. One of the few times I've seen him not be able to speak. He was like? Well, what? Oh, that's all right. Because looking back, I had taken the power in that moment. You stopped him. You said no. No. And then the next. Of course we talked about it. He was like, I really think I shouldn't. I said no. You're gonna give me six weeks because we've been married 15 years and we're gonna go to therapy. And he said While I've been working on this for two years, so if you want to go there, But you can't. And I was like, Well, you left me out. You're working on it by yourself? Exactly. No, no, you've been working on for two years. I didn't know about it. So and I also told them Sawyer was in Australia. Like you're not leaving. She's not gonna come home. And suddenly her dad just left while she was gone. She'll blame herself. We're not doing it. So for the next six weeks, wheat, we live together. It was weird because during that time I kept trying to figure out why. Because it just didn't feel right. And I also start doing that thing you do where you blame yourself

spk_0:   11:32
because you don't have fucking two years to mull it

spk_1:   11:35
over. It was a holds one night. It's a really good friends over for dinner. Ash. I shut the door. She said to me, Honey, it's gonna be fine because we're fine. Everything's normal. And when I went upstairs, he was sitting in this chair looking at me like the saddest human had ever seen. And I was like, What's wrong? And he goes, We're done. I got one leg in the in the grave. It's over. I was like, Okay, well, are you sure? I'm super hot. Have you seen me in that moment? I knew that he truly was.

spk_0:   12:07
And you thought like I did. Maybe he's not sure. Maybe he's not sure. Maybe because sorry, but they're kind of dumb. They are. They don't let me listen. And I say that and I don't mean that like not all men are dumb, but there they do. So maybe what? They do some dumb things. You know it. Look, guys, also, if you think that we're dumb, we're not because we give up some We know exactly what is happening, but we sacrifice it. The thing that I would like to see changes that we don't sacrifice it or way open it up right there and say, Look, you know what? I know that you know, you really wanna have Children. I don't Let's let's figure this out either week, we don't stay together and we separate because in that moment, I think those were times when we really need to stand for ourselves and we don't. There's like, Okay, this is what you're gonna get Because had you said, You know what? I'm not doing this and walked away. The relationship you would have met somebody else. I mean, granted, you wouldn't have had your kids, which I always say, I have no regrets for that. Just something to look at to tell your daughters everything.

spk_1:   13:15
Guys, angles out there. One of the things that I no now is that we did not grow personally. That's a mistake. You should have both continued to grow in our lives and absolutely could continue to progress. Like now in my life, that's all I'm Yeah, I just keep getting better and better and becoming a different person. I didn't know that when I was younger. I didn't realize that he definitely didn't. Neither of us were growing and we weren't growing together. We grew apart like that. I think that's your leader. That's great. But doing what you've always done, is it going to keep you on top? You have to continue to grow as a human being, a great leader in a company in business. And it should be the same way in the relationship. If you're not working to be your busts, you or to grow and learn. I think people get scared, is growing and learning. Maybe you don't stay together, but it will keep her progressing. We didn't. Yeah, absolutely. No, sadly, he really hasn't continued to grow. He is the same human he was when we were 28. And that's just so unattractive in a 50 something year, old man. Really, I just really makes me actually very at this point after many years of therapy. Yeah,

spk_0:   14:21
yeah, I get it. You know why? Because I think I believe the same thing. I feel like they're this little boy, the same little boy that something happened Thio in the moment that they said I'm not worthy. Yeah, and they stay in that mode, but they have to mask and cover and put up the walls and create this hard armor with the ego. And then they grow up in their assholes.

spk_1:   14:42
They think money and things will make it all better. And we all love money. And yeah, however, they do not actually give you the happiness you want. This is very true of what happened in my relationship. And then you woke up one day. He was 40. His life wasn't what he thought it would be. Figuring it out, we decided to stop and start over because that's where he thought it would change back. Yeah, yeah, you know it and it doesn't. You have to work. They have to work on themselves and have to. There's a story I didn't tell you. I thought of the other day, a little spoiler. So I was in Vegas in Caesar's palace, found out that he was Italy with his family while we couldn't keep our lights on. Oh, now, to make the story more interesting for years, his mom and stepped out and invite us to go to Europe. But he would never take him up on it because he didn't wanna have to be with so I have never been to Europe, and I was in Vegas trying to get jobs, and I found out on the Internet that he was in Italy on, and I called him screaming on the phone. I'm screaming at him. I didn't do this a lot. I was actually pretty composed. Yeah, everything that way. I was very even. But I lost it and he said to me, Climb down off your cross, Leon Oh, and I said, Well, it would. But you nailed fucking meals and two harder can get off. And I just threw my photographs. Room did you shouldn't do in a casino will call. So I probably there's only one other time. Maybe to that I just lost it on the day he left to move out. He said, I don't know why you're worried about money. It's not like you're going to start shopping up Wal Mart and I anything. Which is amazing, because there were days I wish I could have shopped at Wal Mart. Let me got so bad. I don't know if he didn't if you realized, how about

spk_0:   16:42
I think he was that e ego. Yeah, it's that that bigger sense it has to come out because that little boy is so scared and insecure. He's got a fucking monster appears. And for someone to I mean, that is my mind to working. Fucking talk I'm such a advocate for, for whoever is being abused. I don't like it. I am a protector. So that really pisses me off because my ex husband has said some shit e through his ass on up in cross. It

spk_1:   17:20
was unbelievable. It's a moment I will never

spk_0:   17:23
forget, you know? Isn't that funny? I bet you knew exactly what you're wearing. Really? How you felt everything that Yes, I knew exactly where standing, all of it. And that's how it is for them when they're Children. Should happen to me too. Like fuck I grow up. I know

spk_1:   17:37
people have hard times growing up with my Children did. Because of all this. At some point, you've got to own and be responsible for yourself. No, If you can't get yeah, it does not give you permission to be a jerk, you

spk_0:   17:49
know, just like what were you doing in Vegas?

spk_1:   17:53
The girl that he had married climates after they had their lovely central park wedding everything here in a dumpster and changed the locks.

spk_0:   18:02
You lose him, how you get

spk_1:   18:03
him. I think he's sometimes of his capture. 34 years, but we couldn't have just disappeared then, obviously the breadwinner. I had a little pole dancing a fitness business in the South Bay, and so I was teaching pole dancing. I start working every job I could remember. Lights got turned off one's Sawyer, my oldest daughter call her dad asked for help, and he told her to get. Josh was 13 and then he just disappeared. And so we were just struggling. We lost our car. We moved three times smaller apartments each time we lost her car. And so I said to me as we watched them take it away. Do you think you could go to Vegas to get a job as a stripper? So we don't lose everything. You can't see me, but I'm not all in doubt. So she's gorgeous and she's tall. She's like eight feet tall, but like I was like, I'm

spk_0:   18:54
your you don't have small press. A small is nothing perfect nipples, but they are big. That's what I would say. That's good enough

spk_1:   19:02
for sure. I love that. So I was like, I don't know, honey. Like I just like, but you're a good full answer. And I was like, Would

spk_0:   19:13
it be weird for you?

spk_1:   19:15
Uh, well, no. You're not gonna have sex for money are you know, I'll figure something out. So I literally thought about that for a day or two. And then I borrowed, like, 500 bucks. Ben, I flew to make us two days later. Optician to manage to use up term loosely. It's really kind of a shit show. As you might expect, business like that to be There isn't like a audition schedule there. Like you come in at a M. But then you get there in the desert. You and I did that for a couple days. You have to get a license to be a dancer or any kind of performer there. So I spent all the money. I had $500 getting that car. Then I auditioned to be a a stripper.

spk_0:   19:51
Wow, That is amazing. I mean, good for you.

spk_1:   19:55
Thanks. I was 42. 40. Do

spk_0:   19:57
you see what I mean? How things in life help you? Yeah. You had a pole dancing business. Like what? Okay, to me, that's such a brave thing to do. It's so courageous. When we had a conversation about it, I remember I was telling you how I'm not afraid of a lot of things. And you said the same thing. You have no fear. Even if we do have here we go through it right. But that to me would because honestly, when I was 14 I was like, I want to be a stripper because I love the bar. Love, lots of femininity. I love Claudia Love dancing. There was a song Girls, girls, girls, my motley crew and I would see them dancing on the blouse is like i e not about me. But my point is I wanted that so that as I grew up, I knew what it was like or hearing stories. Girls get beaten up, and it's scary. So back to you going I'm going to do this. You think that it was easier to go into you didn't know anything about it? Or did you

spk_1:   20:51
just do it? Great question. So I talked full dancing, which I got into for all the reasons you loved it. And I felt I got over a lot of insecurities about my body. The way I looked. I honestly I just thought it was a one way I could make money. Really details like I refused to run home to Missouri. Somehow, I think I thought that if I couldn't make it in L. A and make this happen somehow, Ben one. I really don't think that's That's why I opened the pole dancing studio. Two days later, he asked for a divorce. The best thing I mean is I think one of the things I was doing a lot back in most groups I proved him and everybody could do this. But that was because I won't lie Most terrified in my auditions. It's not great for your ego. I don't care if people do give you money. When you're in the clubs, they turn you down for stocks. But for dances were soliciting people to give you money to dance for them. God, good to just do you know stripper e? Come here. I love how you got hired. It's the house. Small mom. Sorry it was Marr. I went to a lot of places. I was almost ready to give up. Was gonna go one more place and then go home. I went into the Paradise Club. The cab driver who took my last $20 is the one who suggested together he got me in to see the house. Moms. Most clubs have a house, mom, and just somebody who keeps the dressing room clean, has food for people, helps with your cost and speaks up the fight, and they're too barbs. And when I remember the most, she took my application to come up with a name. So I call myself Siren. So you're screaming like a side? Well, I had a whole rock and roll roll thing going with black hair. She said, Yeah, let's we'll get you an audition. And so I got ready, and I was literally shaking. I came out to her. She goes, Do you need anything? It was like, actually, I really need this job in my practice. I cried that Please tell me what I can do to make sure I get it. And she was like, Oh, yeah, honey. Okay. So, listen, you're gonna go up, you're gonna go into the back room. There's a poll you climb up there, you do a couple spin, smile and look him in the eye and both times take your shirt off. That's it. Just make sure you smiling looking in there. So I ran into you. Barely acknowledges me. I do a couple spins. Take my shirt off. Mom's money. Not as easy as you think Stricken. He hardly looks at me. He says to her. She doesn't have any experience in. Barb says, What

spk_0:   23:14
do you

spk_1:   23:14
talking about? She's in L. A stripper, and he was like, Okay, signed up and I was like, I don't strip it away. She's like, I know Flack got me that job And then there's an angel truly, and I mean, we have our Angels. And many times when I was working there over the next 6 to 8 months, she was a sweet, sweet woman who trusted, and I didn't trust a lot of people. I was there and she was like, You should work tonight because you could work for free. So I literally went from now to working the first time ever. A few minutes

spk_0:   23:44
later, in the beginning, we drinking, I would have to like, have shots of vodka or so

spk_1:   23:51
right now. In the beginning, I did drink a little bit because in a bar, and it was so boring me just be sitting there. I could do you

spk_0:   23:59
see myself getting drunk and like, flopping on him? Yeah, I drink when I

spk_1:   24:04
drink a bottle of champagne. I went to flip upside down the pole and almost felt Oh, well, this is about it. Yeah. I saw a lot of people making bad decisions, decisions that would normally make. And when you're in a strip club, yeah, it's just a bad time to make a bad decision. Yeah, somebody who works there never drink again. It was like the starters are saying all the time. They didn't trust me because I

spk_0:   24:26
wouldn't drink. That's so smart. You see, that was another thing from your past that you brought like I'm gonna be smart. And then you connected with all the businessman, right?

spk_1:   24:37
I did. Yeah, That was absolutely many. I would accept the drinks because you have to. I would just unplug the mover movie Hustler's where she's throwing her drinks over shoulder, Yeah, on the floor in the ice bucket. But effective that If you ever go out with me? You might be shots will see it. No, I found that older guys that wanted to just have, like, a nice conversation room, like my best people. Young, drunk easily. Yeah, e

spk_0:   25:02
I think it's fine. People can choose to do whatever they want in life. And also because I want people with love. I want to say that everywhere you go whether you're in a strip club, church or the park or on the moon, you have angels with you. Was another angel man that told you how to do it when you're giving a last chance, right? Yes. I want to hear

spk_1:   25:22
that. My very first night came out $20 laughed. Ants A gentleman walked up to me was super nervous. I thought with the title skirt See through bra with old you're naked with So he asked you for a lap dance and I'm literally shaking. I have no idea what I'm doing. I'm so nervous. He says this is your first time. And so he literally talked me through. The song was finished. I handed him his $20 back. It was like, don't ever give anyone their money back. Take the money. Okay? He was a regular month later. Oh, he came through and I was working a Monday night football and I was sitting on that guy's lap with two other guys laughing and and he leaned over. It was like, I see you got the hang of it. It's so nice to

spk_0:   26:06
meet you have listened to your intuition, whether it's to go dance or not. Two on one, too. So you know when it's time to leave. And I think that did come up for you also,

spk_1:   26:17
right? Yeah. I've been doing it for about six statements, and it was are because I didn't want to spend the money to stay in a hotel. I made deals with hotels and let me just shower for like, 20 bucks. You

spk_0:   26:27
were literally saving your money.

spk_1:   26:29
Everything you needed, Everything still really startling. It cost so much money for me to dance there. Even though I made money, I didn't really make the kind of money you think of stuff, you know, I look at home Monday morning, change out of whatever war to school to be the p t. A. Moms. All weird, this most surreal existence. So you

spk_0:   26:48
were only gone on the weekend.

spk_1:   26:50
Only go on the weekends. Sometimes like that. People are sad and lonely on the holidays. Yeah, money off. And that's really what your biggest river is. It's about time for the movie is for pretty sure so accurate. It's shocking. And so when did you you know it was time for you to come back. A friend of mine stopped me on the butt of a bar. Lived in home. Shouldn't asking consent. But he did turned around and punched him. Everybody's like, you're not yourself. Of course You know your constant trying to protect yourself one night, Sadie. Imagine Tinkerbell. She was like, No, it's like dispatch a party. We're gonna make money. It's gonna be great whenever to give the group a lap dance. You can't walk around the floor without clothes on your role near their face with your body and keep it me. Oh, my. I need your blood. Oh, that was my left breast. Oh, my God. And I punched him, Broke my finger knocking us. Wow. Good for you. The bouncers came and beat him up to go of his cash. Split. Very accurate. give me the night off, packed everything in my car and I remember bark the house. Mom was like, OK, siren in Mexico I am just taking my clothes on the washing this time and then I never

spk_0:   28:03
Wow, I want to hear when you did get

spk_1:   28:06
assaulted going over to the hard rock to get coffee and and I could see in the glass when a reflection But I didn't really realize what was happening. When I turned around, there was a man there, any punched me, But remember anything else? He broke a couple ribs. And for people out there, one of guys shouldn't be footage. Just show me that they had taken care of him in there. The doctor is there a hairline fracture in my face and I was sure it was awful. I want to press charges. And then he told me that least wouldn't do anything because I was a stripper. Oh, that's awful. It's awful. That's fucking awful. Sex workers or humans?

spk_0:   28:43
Yeah, when you go to court and you're looking for your money because your husband's hiding it from you are not giving it to you with Chelsea's supposed to dio what are you supposed to do? And lawyers are robbing you blind. They're in their own little gang. Is that like Esso? I can't go be a stripper and make money. And And if I get hurt, no one's gonna protect me.

spk_1:   29:05
Protect ascent Dancer. Exact that. That's fine. Yeah, What if I

spk_0:   29:09
was dancing to go get money to pay for a lawyer or to go pay to keep my kids? Because there's a thief that I'm married to? That no one is even questioning that can walk into court and hand them a paper fig paper, by the way, saying he's not making that much money on email there like Okay, well says right here you're making me Well, guess what? I have documents and bank statements subpoenaed, and oh, well, you don't have a forensic accountant, so I can't even look at it, captain to people. I wouldn't happen to people in court that you cannot protect women. It's

spk_1:   29:46
unbelievable. I don't know if that would be true everywhere. It's not really in Vegas. I will say that the hotel took very good care of me, but they did that themselves. But that's OK, but that's OK. Stay in that Really nice sweet. I think the hardest part having someone hit you is a man that must've been off it. ISS I am the kind of person who I really think I could take anyone. But the reality is better stronger than you. If a guy decides to pound you, there's really anything you can do to protect yourself. It was one time dancer was tired. It was just a law friggin day. And so

spk_0:   30:24
didn't you just finished breaking someone's finger to a very exciting life? I mean, these are the things that you like. I'm doing that I love that he took life on, Did it? And you, you're a beautiful, amazing soul. Your energy so good. You know so much of meditation. I'm so proud of you. Like you're such in a position now managing how many 60 kids. Now it's like having 60 kids. Yeah, for the one who didn't want to be Oh, that you will do literally anything for them. I

spk_1:   30:56
didn't actually enjoy being pregnant for all those of you who do I hate you. Stop it. I did not enjoy being pregnant the day I had Sawyer. I had never felt so powerful in my whole life. I said There's nothing I can do But I did not know what that No, I don't think I realized what that might mean someday. Now I know what it means that I know what I can do and I being proud I did it, I had made different choices and, you know, at the same time as being a dancer, I was also working as apartment manager, still on my pole dancing studio. For a short time, I worked as a personal assistant. I was support to sex, toy shop. Sometimes I clean houses. I was just like I could keep it going to make it happen. Uncle passed away. He left a little money, and so I took it and cleaned up some things in my life. I want to picture where out there. And I realized maybe for the first time in years that I was miserable, but that I didn't have to be choices that changed my life. That made me happy, and that is one of the most pivotal moments in my life. Until then, I felt like I was surviving. That's all I was doing. My oldest daughter is applying for schools and my youngest was able to do some things yourself more. A little bit of money that my uncle gave me. That means so much to be pull us out of this. Just despair. I decided to go brat school to break up with my boyfriend. It was a great man. And Thio find a job with the computer Cracks ist applied for the job. I still work for that company today. Wow. And that was a huge, pivotal moment in my life. And then a year and 1/2 I was running the little facility in Redondo and we went from 13 to 60. Studios are like six years. Every part of that was incredible. I feel so grateful and lucky. I knew I could do a lot of things. You had a lack of confidence in house, get that figure it all out and not get this chance. And turned out I was good at it. You know,

spk_0:   32:50
it's interesting you're sitting there in that pivotal moment, and I could feel for you be going. I'm barely hanging on and I'm gonna make it through this day not to kill yourself or anything. But should I just start fucking drinking and

spk_1:   33:06
stays? It's gonna be my life for yeah, if I'm gonna be surviving for the rest of my life, I remember Is there all the alcohol out in my house? Because I get to Dio. But

spk_0:   33:17
that's important because for many women, it gets to that point when you're just blindsided by my life. I mean, sure, you have things that come at you. But when you're in a marriage like you said, you know that you two were had a plan and there were the plan was never hate. And, you know, when I turned 45 I'm gonna just fucking leave you that. If that was in the plan, that would be okay. That's, you know that that's what I think men don't understand about women. Is that when you're honest, If my husband would have said to me, You know, I have this ms OK, let's let's figure this out. But you figured it out on your own. And I want everybody to know that they're capable of doing it. Look what you've been through. I mean, you're not afraid of the fucking devil Now I when I say that I mean that I

spk_1:   34:00
know you're not. My friends were like, We just want next just what's going on? So composed like you. And, you know, I think one of the things if you're out there struggling when you're in scarcity where you're just trying to survive and there's nothing wrong with that when you get the opportunity to step away and really think about it in a different way. I remembered the times I was happiest. And when I top hole dancing in my little studio, I loved helping people left there with an idea that I wanted to go towards that and that was up for step that made me happy and helped other people. I believe that's part of why Universe dropped this beautiful thing at me. Yeah, I remember I got a job at the perfect work out. My daughter was in the play. I was in the back working it and I got the call. So I ran outside and she gave me the job. Mercury, Google, Is it your first time now? And I ran in the best state shorter mouth. Did you get it? And I was like, yes, shaking my hand It's like we in silence ran to each other on I don't think I realized how important it wa ce not just for me, but for the mules to see that. Although, apparently, if you ask them, they were like, Oh, we just always thought you had it figured out, which is a maybe they

spk_0:   35:14
do because But that's your mother job, wasn't it? Yeah, but you know, you're right. We really have tohave the contrast. If you don't have the contrast, you cannot do what's necessary. Even though what you've gone through, everybody goes to their own. If not that we wouldn't have. I'm happy now. I'm so peaceful and I'm so happy. You look peaceful, happy. And I say that because even as a mother here with your girls, you guys have your own podcast and it's so cute that you have really guided them. You weren't just talking about what you were gonna do. You did it.

spk_1:   35:50
Yeah. Yeah, I made them a part of it. Didn't lie to them. I didn't sugarcoat it. I told him what we were going through and what was happening so that if anything happened, it wouldn't be a surprise. I mean? Well, he says on her part, guys. Yeah, I just always thought you had it, so I didn't worry. But now you know we have this podcast called. Oh, God, Mom, we talk about things that parents and kids don't talk about her sticky. You're right. I wish I hadn't had to go through the way I did. I wish you hadn't either. I do think the gifts I've gotten from it, my daughters and I are so close that certainly not because we haven't had our drives and tribulations. And it's not like we don't fight. We always get along. But we do. Oh, God, Mom, it's just so much fun and proud of them for you. If you just talk to me and we couldn't figure out a different way, we

spk_0:   36:38
wouldn't be here talking about this. Exactly. I really commend you for your bravery. Truly. You're an inspiration. Honestly, you really are. I hope that you'll come back again. Everybody, you have to listen, Thio. All God, Mom, Podcast. It is amazing. It's just natural that you're just a fly on the wall listening to a mom talking her daughter's again like divorce and disruption and the relationships love way. Yeah. Divorced relationships and love, the same as there is incidents with mom and daughters. Everything. It's the same thing. I mean, you will connect with every aspect. Oh, God. Mom, you know, it's really interesting because I think I text this to you, too. I feel like I'm skipping set up on their questioning. 00 God. Doesn't like

spk_1:   37:30
Oh, God, Mom. Oh, my God. We're planning it. They're like, Oh, she called. I'm like, which called. Oh, God, Mom, Like when Lily says that to me and we just started laughing. So perfect. Casino, Come join us on our couch sitting, hanging out with

spk_0:   37:44
the lifes of teenagers. Young adults, a mom who knows a lot The interactions between you two and one of her daughter. They sound the same. So I love how you're just Yeah, well, OK, like you have no big deal. So that's what I mean about you being like you're being is so, so safe and so nurturing. So the mom who didn't really want to be a mom is the best way. Never know where life's gonna take us with contrast, which is the hardest thing. So there could be a lot of different scenarios. And I'm appreciative of all. Yeah, it's natural to be upset about. Yeah, it just happened. So I'm glad that you just turned yours completely around. And I'm sure there was hard times for you that a lot of emotional growth and say that I forgave him. And, you know, I didn't do it

spk_1:   38:40
for him. I did it for me. Yeah. Was it there was a lot of years or you didn't. And you know that's part of it, too.

spk_0:   38:49
I want to ask you two questions that I struggle with this. Why did you forgive him? How did you forgive him?

spk_1:   38:56
Well, forgiveness is a complicated thing. And there's the last steps to it because you can forgive somebody. Yeah, doesn't mean it's right. I remember somebody told me, but first you'll forgive them, but

spk_0:   39:06
isn't forgiving. Or is it that you just don't care anymore? Because you're tired.

spk_1:   39:09
I see if anyone was when somebody told me and something will be glad it happened to, you know, just like you. But did it happen for me? You know, for a long time I wanted to quit being angry because it wasn't helping me. And it was wasn't doing anything to him either. It doesn't Didn't interfere in your time. Sure. I mean it. Absolutely. And appear to be trying to have relationships with other people because I couldn't do it because I was hating on this hangar and distress that I put on everybody else that I met it. You know, I started realizing that I was really happy, and it was actually my daughters. She told me that they thought the best thing that ever happened in all of this was that he left. Not the way he did. If he hadn't done it, I wouldn't be where I am because I would have never left. He actually told them about cheating, and I had nothing to do with me. Although he does still sore,

spk_0:   39:59
he never cheated. Yeah, they dio mind us, too. And he he told my daughter, I I told her I would take a lie detector test. Anybody is telling you that they will take a lie detector test King liar because they don't feel bad about line or pat not passing.

spk_1:   40:14
Yeah, the reason I couldn't forgive him was because I felt it was my fault on when I decided that I was more worthy than that. I love myself. It was easy to forget it. Ever be happy it happened? Took years. It was the year my dad died. I bought a one way ticket to Spain. Brat about a ticket. Come here. A lot going on in my life that was about Barcelona was a gaudy part is like 20 feet out. People walk up, but there's a big crucifix on the top. My first night I traveled to Spain alone. I don't speak Spanish, it's ever been. And I was sitting there and you could see the city reflecting on my life. How beautiful my life. Waas Truly everything wasn't perfect. How beautiful it really waas and how it's a little girl growing up in Mr I could never imagine sitting there doing that and how happy he was. And I did it all by myself. And as I'm thinking this, I was like, Oh, shit, I'm glad he did what he did that. But there it is. Holy hell. And it was just like that. I don't care anymore. Yeah, and that was it. I'm not saying that everyone's well he doesn't do something, or I have a moment Where expects me and I'm sad or angry. They still do that. But I just don't hold it gradually.

spk_0:   41:30
Yeah, Lefty. Oh, yeah. And I'm not a big revenge person. I always think there's no greater wrath of God. Yeah. I think that your story is so inspiring to me. And it will be too many people because even if they don't become a stripper, are you? No, I'm sure it was a thought, you know, because some people are not on. I don't mean this in a negative way, but some people are not brave enough to go and do that. And they they do have all the tools. But, you know, maybe they don't have the pole dancing skills. But wherever that may be, wherever it is that you do, you know, just do it well. Like you. Did you? You You. It sounds to me like on everything you did. You really did the best when you're a mom. You did the headstone. You did already parties. And And then when you're a stripper, you did you know you found them. The man you asked the den you jumped into it. Like, what can I do?

spk_1:   42:26
I'm super your Zoomer. Yes. Is why was talked about you

spk_0:   42:29
being a do er, right? You went in and he said, How can I do this something Not many people will go on and say, How can I do a good job? But this? Yeah. So you taking that on? You know, you just it sounds like anything you did. You just wanted to be the best. And I think that's what we all should aspire to be. And do, aunt have in our lives ever? If you're about spot, you have

spk_1:   42:49
to do the things you need to do. They don't have to be where you sit. Try to be open. What could be next, What could be better and then take it when it comes. And that's kind of what I was trying to do.

spk_0:   42:59
Yeah, well, thank you so much for being here. I mean, I I've had such a great time. This is this is gonna be like an hour. Party starts is not gonna be 30 minutes. I'm sorry, but I really enjoyed my time. I enjoyed meeting you, and I really appreciate you sharing your life with everyone because it matters.

spk_1:   43:17
Thank you. Having me are truly inspiration because to take something that has been difficult and painful and then to want to make it into something to help other people. That's just beautiful.

spk_0:   43:28
Thank you. I hope you will come back again. And maybe with you know, some more stories about your podcast.

spk_1:   43:36
Sure left. Yeah. When did it start? A mother's day of last year. We're on iTunes and Spotify. Anywhere you go from a podcast or you can go toe Oh, God. Mom on instagram in the Lincoln's in the bio

spk_0:   43:49
and it's oh, h g o d It's May Someday I told somebody about it and they said they couldn't find because they were only putting the Oh,

spk_1:   43:57
yeah Oh, it's O k g o d Have a good looking car. Wasn't nice to you

spk_0:   44:03
if you wanna. If you want to subscribe, she does. These great recipes and clips of creating

spk_1:   44:10
podcast will do a musical s. I try to just make it fun on there and any little bit helps. It just helps keep going for us so that we could be producing our stuffs. We really just want people talk to each other.

spk_0:   44:24
Communication has key, and I think that that will be the way of the world and everyone. I started doing this podcast because I think that communication is key in life and no, nobody talks enough. You know, if I'm complaining about somebody not telling me that they don't want to be with me anymore or that they think that is a divorce, like who am I not to start communicating about that and how I feel. There was one girl. She was probably 20 years old and she said, You know, there's many times that I felt like I wanted to kill myself. Everybody says you're not alone. Don't do it, you'll be fine. This will pass, she said. But how are we supposed to know we're not alone? If nobody's talking around and that that, like, moved me to the core and I said absolutely exactly where I'm supposed to be and I'm talking about and I'm gonna talk about everything. I'm gonna say everything I need to say, Yeah, from from that day on, I said, I'm not gonna hold back or try to pretend that you know that something's not happening or that I don't like something I'm I'm going to say and asked what I want. That's beautiful. So I think we all should, because when we're in a space where we know that that something doesn't feel right. Yeah, and then you do it. Anyways, It's like, Well, I'm not. There's people that don't know their way out.

spk_1:   45:39
That's what I want. Thio. Yeah. No, I think you're absolutely right. I mean, the reason. Sorry, Millie and I did. This is, uh, another mom. That works good. Phillip Philadelphia, who works with me, called me about something going off their daughter. And I was talking about your father. Sandor the mind. She's cutting all these things. How do you know about Fick, Instagrams and pan sexuality? And, like, how do you know? It was like, Oh, my daughters and I talked about it, but it hit me that other people don't and other kids don't talk to the parents of parents. Don't talk to the kids candidly. And you always say you don't have to agree with us. Just don't fight us, man. You could think we're wrong. But if it makes you have a conversation with your kids and we've done what we wanted. Half we absolutely have. And we want to hear stories. And that time we started it for that exact same reason.

spk_0:   46:24
And there you have a babes. If you have a question or want to leave a comment, you can email on the rock bucks at cloud dot com. That's O N T H e r x at iCloud dot com. Thanks for listening in and join us. Hope you enjoyed the conversation. Don't forget to subscribe.