Overdone with Laura On the Rx

Freakytales about moving through the process of a bad relationship, separation, and or divorce with BFF Laura. After temperatures rise again and again, we will eventually be Overdone.

Transcript

spk_0:   0:00
Okay, pay everyone, we're back. And today we're here with my best friend in the whole world because her and I talked for hours and hours And the other day we were talking about, uh, something that I was still complaining to her about my ex, and she was kind of moving me through it as she has, because she's also been through this, right? Laura? Yes. She was talking me through it in a very kind way, which is what we need right now, people who were kind and understand us. And this is exactly why I love doing this and sharing with everybody. Because moving through it and moving words wth e end to where we're done. Like I knew you were done. We're having that conversation like, Oh, just whatever I remember there was a time that you weren't that nice. And I was looking to you for guidance support because I felt alone. And I am so sorry that I wasn't there for you, Maur. And I know I waas but I really wish that I would have known how you felt. So I would have given you more hugs or I don't know, you know what I'm saying. But I really knew that you were done. And like I said, the time from when you actually started getting like, the panic attacks because that was big for me and moving through this hole I don't even want. It's a horrible experience. Crisis is tough sales. Yeah,

spk_1:   1:49
it's really traumatic. You know, everyone always says death and divorce are really the biggest things that humans have to deal with. The high door, You're the harness things. And some people, they move through pretty quickly. They find something out or they're just done. And there duck a year or two years, depending on what state you're in. You know, for me, it

spk_0:   2:21
was a process. I remember that It was like

spk_1:   2:25
such a process that I was feeling something was off, but I couldn't put my finger on it. And then my ex, just, like, really gave me justification. I didn't really, like, feel completely in my power like I do more more each day now. Yeah, I needed something to justify, you know, I felt like it wasn't working out. I was afraid to broach that conversation, and I didn't feel like he was gonna have like a good conversation with me about it that was gonna get anywhere, right? I needed a justification and gave it to me. So, you know, for me, it was like cheating multiple times. But you know, people I know. So that justification I river, it clicked in my head. I smile to myself, I'm like, thank you. But it took me a while to kick in now.

spk_0:   3:22
Yeah, I remember you had said that, you know, you couldn't even see yourself being with him.

spk_1:   3:28
No, it was definitely a roller coaster. So kicked him out in 2012. And I felt my emotions were so high at the time. One minute. Thank you for giving me that. You know, justification. The next die inside. Yeah, it feels like somebody died, and then the next minute, I'm just fucking work this out, and then you ever have to be with this person again. I will kill myself,

spk_0:   3:57
you know? Yeah. Your emotions, rain. Yeah, I know, and it really does. It feels like that. And I can see how people go to that and not to make light of it at all. But, you know, I feel like there's has to be some sort of familiarity and laughter in it because you're not alone and you don't have to kill yourself. I I saw that portal. I could see how people could go to the next level because it is not only mental anguish, it is Physically, I was physically and I remember you were physically ill. And you remember you had gotten a panic attack and you were in the hospital. I was thinking because that wasn't even at that. I mean, me and my ex had actually had there was a lot of going on between us, but I thought he was just being, like, grouchy and old man, looking back in hindsight and, you know, looking at you toward guidance to get through. I now know that accuses fucking care anymore. So you know that that feeling I cannot fucking do this one more day. It is like that. Bad for people Don't realize that, you know, because if you told me you went through it and I was kind of going through the same thing until one day, pop. And then it's like scared. Then you don't want to face it

spk_1:   5:21
for yourself? Yeah. Even to leg rewinds prior to me kicking out of the house, we have gone thio a couple different marriage counselors and second marriage counselor We went thio She was fabulous and she looked at me like after we talked about because he had cheated on me before and I thought we got through it and we're we're, like, you know, shining examples out whether that and I tell people now I'm like, if somebody's shooting you get the hell out of there, Yeah, because they will never respect to you or see you in the same way again. That's red at all because they don't think that you respect yourself. So my grandmother

spk_0:   6:08
used to always say, Don't get burned by the same camel, right? There you go.

spk_1:   6:12
But I remember talking about how scary it is to face it. The marriage counselor said to me, This is who he is. That's who he is. Not like she wasn't saying Oh, this is who he is, is a cheater. Whatever. I just in shows like this who can teach d'oh except this person for who they are right now. And I knew in my mind No, I no, I don't accept this person. And that was the last session we had with two state. I know that. Looking back now, it was clear to me that it was clear to her was not good, and and she was confronting me on this. Do you accept this? Because this is what it is's when you're up. And I didn't want Thio answer the question because it wasn't No. And so then it becomes real. Yeah, that was real. So I think two years later is when you know you have. Yeah. And, uh, he got caught cheating by the other woman's husband.

spk_0:   7:27
Oh, my God. I think these fucking people like what? Audacity. And she happened

spk_1:   7:33
to be a longtime friend That was at our wedding. No matter for Like, you're so sorry, people. It was. But, you know, like you go for roller coaster Russians, but he walked in the door, his face look kind of weird. And so I would try something. Like what? You know, I was just sitting in the back yard and he's like, Oh, hey, told me like 1/2 truth. The real it's got she was like, You got some? I made it sound like, not so bad. And I remember I was just like I was sitting there and I was just sitting in this chair outside, and I'm like, Okay, I want a divorce. Did you know, like, forjust for kissing? Because that's what the husband caught him kissing. But

spk_0:   8:20
we have to tell you, he will have

spk_1:   8:22
You never told me because he was racing back from Santa Barbara to where he was at with them with our my kids. He thought, Let me jet. I'm gonna have to confess to something. Otherwise, you got a phone call, you know, And then he was, like, just for

spk_0:   8:38
kissing someone. Yeah, but

spk_1:   8:42
you know, what time

spk_0:   8:43
did you get a phone call from?

spk_1:   8:45
No, I didn't. I always debated that. But anyway, and it was so funny because it was it happened on April Fool's Day. First, I'm not fucking me. Oh, it wasn't, but so from April until June, April, May, June 2013 2012. It took me just two months to get Teoh

spk_0:   9:16
who want to leave right now.

spk_1:   9:17
You didn't want to leave?

spk_0:   9:19
Lose. We're going

spk_1:   9:20
some, like, yeah. No, I He thought we were gonna work it out like he was getting separated, working out at some point. But that's when I had I started having panic attacks and because I knew it was either it was either me or him. Someone's not gonna survive here in this relationship. Got brought up the panic attacks with the thought of continuing to have this relationship. Go on. You gave me a panic.

spk_0:   9:56
You because you're dealing with two things that gives you a pan. It's a panic attack. And then the other thing that gives you a panic attack is that you're pushing away the person that you thought you trusted with your life. We love that you care about. Maybe things don't, you know, go exactly the way they're supposed to in a marriage. But you know what it takes to a relationship was co created. And don't let them think that it's all you because they do blinking. It's not you're dealing you. The panic is, I would say unnecessary because it's some sort of outlet that you have to have so that you could be saying because you're fighting two demons. I have the same time. What the mass and the Mass and then your own and then your own demons that you have about what happened. Now it's scary.

spk_1:   10:39
Yeah, it's really scary, especially when you get in a long term marriage because and for me, I've been with him since I was a teenager. Now total adult, if you're with someone who's a narcissist, which I was, and a covert narcissist Yeah, which is a passive aggressive, aggressive narcissist. Can you explain a malignant narcissist to someone It means you harm. Passive aggressive, aggressive person is someone who's who aggressively uses their passive aggressiveness. They use it constantly. Waken be passive aggressive, you know, two people did. A passable cross of aggressive is somebody that is constantly doing that. They're aggressively being passive aggressive. Thio my contention contest, actually things that would bother me. And I would tell you Tell your partner the person that you love something that bothers you and they deliberately do it. But that's us. That's an example of passive aggressive, aggressive. They do it, but they make it look like it's an accident for Go. Yeah, but yes, makes its It's a slow chipping away at your self esteem. You're standing, and it's

spk_0:   12:03
scary because you feel gosh, this person that you trusted your always said now alone and vulnerable with them. Yeah, and then no. Okay, Even if you're not with them, then you're by yourself. And that's, you know, after you've been with someone for 20 years, Yeah, it's really scary. Something happened in my relationship. And, you know, I listened to you when you were going to your your experience with this, and I remember being out, and I think I was a target, just my car. And it was something that my exit said to me, and I was like, Oh, my God, that's something that Laura had just told me a couple months ago. And then, you know, it's like I just like, pushed it away like, No, it couldn't be that there's no way, because at that point we had already I had already realized that your ex was narcissist like, Yeah, because you don't really know until you know. Yeah, it's kind of weird because just like it's like the chipping away slowly is how they also start to become uncovered. It's it's really hard. It's like you're saying about being in trouble.

spk_1:   13:21
Yeah, yeah, you have this feeling. It's kind of like maybe when you were in school, off being called to the principal's office, where you don't what's going on Like you don't know if you know you knew you had somebody or something What? You're wondering. But this is This is the type of I'm in trouble where you called the principal's office. But you don't know what you did. You have no idea. And so you're kind of always walking on eggshells around this person and until you blow up some time

spk_0:   13:54
and then this person is telling you they have to walk on eggshells, you

spk_1:   13:58
gives you a rare is there's this projection, a certain type of narcissus, the covert narcissists who excel at sales. They're really good that you can choose. Then they reveal themselves. But they But they are often don't let themselves express anger. Yeah, don't benefit them. So they kind of project there. They do something to make you angry. And then they get the satisfaction of of not only manipulating someone, but also making them angry. What does it The SAS action of the drama of anger without having like B

spk_0:   14:42
and actually having a purpose to go to their friends? and family and say, Oh, my, you're so crazy Because it wouldn't fit their story if they even show a little bit of angle right, which is an impossible. I mean, give me a fucking break. I get You can be even kill all the time, which is fine when they're just doing it with you. I mean, you know something? This is the other thing. There's a lot of enablers, and I'm I'm one because I was in a relationship with him, and there was many, many times where I could see what? Fuck this. I'm not dealing with this for me, but, you know, I was married guy you wanted. I was raised Catholic. You don't do those things, you know, get divorced. But that was a struggle for me. That's the other thing that you're struggling with. You know, if you're there's a religion around your marriage also showing eyes, this is the right thing to do. Should I do this? And you know, I read extensively at the Bible. What does this say about adultery? And we're all sinners? Yes, I get it. But you cannot like adultery was the one, so I knew I just knew it. So did you just say no? Did you just know it? Where were you? You were done because you knew what happened. This is the second time, and you were just happy to be over. And then once you did it, you're like, Fuck, this is fucking crazy, Because once you let go, it is fucking crazy.

spk_1:   15:58
Oh, yeah, It was crazy. And I'm a sponge. I like new information. I love learning about stuff. And I knew no matter what happened that I would never, ever, ever have the whole story from this person, ever. And because of that, because he would trickle truth. And that's something that you trickle. Truth. I like that. That's something that people use,

spk_0:   16:29
like, worked like a word salad or triple. Truth

spk_1:   16:32
is, when dealing with, like, getting divorced from a person who has cheated on you, they will trickle up the truth. And it's It's like Chinese water torture. Yeah, You'll find some evidence they'll have an answer for it, But they will never sit down with you. You know what? This is everything that happened with him. I let it go on from April May June July August 5 months. I kicked him now and he left in June. But I was still dealing with him at the pain, and I'll do that. And he was just like every week there would be some new horrible thing that would reveal on. I was just I said, You know what? You take your women that you've been with, however many whoever I don't know, Uh, the things that you've done and whatever else you've done that hasn't do Lim, you get to go with that. Yeah, there's not another thing I want to know we're here. And I didn't That was great for me because I was like a detective looking through bank accounts, you know, receipts and this and that, like it's, you know, this present house detective. Yeah, we'll figure it out. And so the more I saw was like, the more they're Woz. And then, like I said to myself one day, I had papers all over my health. I don't want to do this any Yeah, I

spk_0:   18:05
don't care, because there's

spk_1:   18:06
never gonna being into this. This person obviously, is a hideous, and I accept that now, and I don't need to know any more, so That was one phase of it that was definitely there. And

spk_0:   18:21
plus, I'm sure that the question from your therapist Yeah. No, I don't want to do this. Yeah,

spk_1:   18:27
that wants me. Yeah, because I couldn't have, like, so much time back,

spk_0:   18:31
but I was saying, like it It's perfect when it happens, It's perfect because because when you when I tried to rush through things and, you know, kicking him out the very first time because I found out that this woman was on our fucking SPG account is getting upgrades. And who fucking does that? I'm still flabbergasted by that. He's doing these things and I'm telling you, just get the fuck out. Get out! Because at that point, I don't think he's a narcissist. At that point, I just think that he fucked up and he's lying about it. But who cares? Like men cheat, I get it. But you are remorseful and you say you're sorry. And if you're if you really mean it, you say you're sorry. I mean, listen, Chie and I'm fucking having a good time. But the person I'm cheating with, I'm gonna tell you. You know what? I know I'm not gonna be with you anymore. I'm not. I'll sit there and play these fucking games that they dio. Not that it makes me better by any means, but at least the communication is there. And you let someone know. Yes, you know, because the shocking part and the pain is that betrayal. It's like, Boom, a slap in the face.

spk_1:   19:39
Yeah. I mean, for me, it is if it's not working out, I'd rather have that painful tongue. And so my sister is married, and she and I were talking about everything that was happening at the time. This was before I officially divorced town like, Yeah, I don't know if my husband cheated on me and I might keep him. You know, some people are like that. They're okay with that stuff, and maybe it works out for them. But I would never my execute on me a long time before that. We went through all this stuff and I thought he was changed and the first men didn't. And I would never advise somebody to stay with somebody that cheated on the

spk_0:   20:23
further you get accepted. Yeah, if you're okay with it. But furthermore,

spk_1:   20:27
this is the lesson that I had to learn in my life and it was believed actions don't believe words that people said. Do

spk_0:   20:37
you know I hate it when you said that to me? You said that to me once. And I was like, What did she say? That, like, there was a lot of times that you would say things to me, like just the other night about crossing boundaries and don't let a man. And that's the truth. Because I do feel much better when I've been peaceful, not talking to being not information. I could get my head straight. Yeah, but I didn't like some of the things you said because you you have to confront that. Not only do you have to confront it, you have to sit there and go, OK? Why is this coming up for me? Which in the beginning is really fucking hard to do, Trying to figure out many things, Why won't tell everybody these steps and how to move through it and everybody will do it at different times. Definitely the steps of the death is exactly But on that journey on that road, you will like you said how the roller coaster going and you'll fall off the wagon. I mean, I have to do every time you fall off the wagon. Oh, for I got to

spk_1:   21:36
a place where I started looking at the actions versus the words I've always been like my love language. Like I'm not into that book or anything. But if I were to say something, you know, love language waas or is probably waas now was Just was works. I loved my favorite gift. It is a beautiful card rather than things. But I learned that you can say a bunch of stuff to anyone and you could still treat, But it's the actions that I really have to pay attention to.

spk_0:   22:14
Yeah, no, I really not really hit me because I remember sometimes it was he wouldn't do anything. And that was to me even worse. What is ignoring? And he wouldn't when I'm crying over the toilet. Hyperventilating, going. What is going on? Why aren't you telling me the truth? What the fuck is going on? And he's looking at me like, Do you want to call your mom? I gotta I gotta go. Yeah, like which, By the way, the mass was completely off at that moment because he had never, ever, ever, ever spoke to me that way before. And that's the point. Would walk. It's horrible. Just happened. It's horrifying. Now you you gotta deal with that because wait for So I want also want to say there is no way that throughout the marriage he would never have said that to me before that that day and it was like shocked because he's walking out the door. Chuckie, how's your what was Run? Remember

spk_1:   23:12
he was living away from me and I was out with a friend ahead of me. She had the worst and we were out and around 10 o'clock at night. He said. E need a new car and I wanna go tomorrow It's like 10 o'clock at night. He's calling me about this, and nothing was adding up. Turns out he had a girlfriend was needing to impress or whatever. I was like, Well, let's talk about this another time. And he just dropped the mask and it was like a switch flipped. He was a totally different person. This is who you are because he was you. Just person in Me too. Yeah, and you know everything he knows. Everyone think I was like, you know, the nicest personal Mark. Yeah. And I was like, Is really who you are You

spk_0:   24:00
Did You think at first that he Because I thought at first it my ex is just not somebody else. That's when he was so just nonchalant about it. But did you think that? Where did you think? Oh, my God. He's a narcissist, very intelligent. And I know you a lot. And you know a lot about that. I think

spk_1:   24:17
I was beginning to start to read about it, and he was like a totally different personally was talking to me. I was like, Oh, yeah, yeah. Then my switch turned on. Prior to that, I didn't know that this was a cheating. Oh, yeah. This'll was not a narcissus. Narcissus, Narcissus. They are often cheater.

spk_0:   24:41
You guys have really just read about a narcissist of any of this stuff is happening because it'll keep you privy to what they're up to and what you, at least if nothing else, You know what? You can tolerate her. I knew there's no way I'm gonna tolerate cheating because I was so loyal in the mirror. There's no way would I would never do it. So read. Because Laura, you were the one that kind of brought that to my space and let me read about it. It really started to resonate. And it is something hard to face. Unless you've

spk_1:   25:17
been with a narcissist, it's really hard to wrap your head around it. It's hard to explain it to people because they you confusing in your mind like we're talking about the fog. It makes you feel really foggy. And I just want to say that there are some people you know. There are some people that cheat, you know? They're not narcissist. That most narcissist Archie. Yeah. Okay. So yeah. So So you know, if that happens in your marriage, you got it. You know, keep a good I have it. And it's also another thing. One other thing I would say about nurses and marriage counseling. A lot of your listeners gone, premier chancing don't You can sing best Narcissists are so excellent at winning over the therapist, your marriage counselor, or even their own therapist. They will lie in their own therapy. They'll lie in journals. Yeah, still lie to their rears capsules and the mirror sample. Oh, look at you like you're crazy. So I you think you've got a narcissist in your hands? Read as much as you can about it. Don't go there and don't go to therapy with them. It's a waste of time, and it'll make you feel bad. Really bad.

spk_0:   26:42
Really bad. So Narcissus. What they do is they're not very good with emotions, obviously. So what they do is they really just mirror yet us. They get their emotions or expressions. Not only do they don't just use them, they just see how people operate to Oh, it's almost like they're getting fuel like a gas and car. That's what it reminds me of. So when they're in the therapist, they'll just say like, Oh, she gets really upset. He knows that upset you. So he's going to say it so you can get upset, right? And it's so hard because because you're so in that you've been doing it for 10 20 years. It's gonna happen. And he knows exactly because he's very testicle about

spk_1:   27:31
their strategic. They're very good at, you know, reading people. Yeah,

spk_0:   27:39
really? No, you're right. And, you know There's a There's a doc, there's a doctor on Instagram that I follow and I'm gonna get her name. But I'll let you guys know who it is because she's really good. That's what you need. You need someone who is. If you do go to therapy, you need to make sure, even though they all say they do. They're like lawyers, but not all of them. This this doctor is amazing because she's up on it. But the other thing is, don't you agree that they won't go if they're with somebody like that? Has there number?

spk_1:   28:18
Yeah, they will find another therapist will find, you know, if they feel that there's someone on your side backing you up, whether it's a friend or your own therapists like my eggs. Everyone thought it was just the way I did. She didn't hear nothing, but he hated my therapist. Now me and you would never say hated anyone because my therapist was helping me or I would have like I had this best friend from college on Dhe. He was a gay guy, and my ex hated him. Hated who's jealous of him? He did because, you know, we were closed, and we would talk about things. And he, you know, he really liked was there for me. And I think that Narcisse is kind of, like, isolate you a little bit. Yes, for Do you know, I wouldn't say they totally try to cut you off from everybody. But I do think because they there's people that in your life I think he's the greatest. Yeah, but there, if there are people in your life that are there for you and your friend and most of their for you, Yeah, they will say a little something. I do, you know, make you second guess yourself about that relation showed your therapist or whatever. And that was a big red flag for me afterwards, I was like, Wow, he really hates Yes. Now I know, you know,

spk_0:   29:57
because you're helping me because you were feeling good in the process. And then for him not to like him. That's kind of weird. Her,

spk_1:   30:05
right? Yeah. That was a definite red flag, because this, my ex would at least pretend to like some reason. Didn't like

spk_0:   30:13
the therapist. Yeah, and it's true. Ever remember we went to dinner all together shortly before we're actually right before. I think you guys. Yeah, we went to dinner altogether. Portable beer on

spk_1:   30:27
me. Yeah, that was a passive aggressive. That was, like, for real. Yeah, but remember, And then he acted all sorry. And it's like, No, he called me after that part. And on the way home, he called. He's like, you're such a fucking bitch. And it was for my 40th birthday.

spk_0:   30:46
I remember. Oh, my God. I remember. And you don't remember about that night? I remember. See, I don't know if it was me or use it saw something, and then, uh, you were like, Oh, what's that? And he was like, What's what? And I was like, No, because we work in the fucking bullshit. And I'm saying this to because I have black and white papers that I could that I could literally show my axe and safe. And why is just here? Why? What is it? Oh, my God. What do you what it

spk_1:   31:24
is? Yeah, that's so old. Yes. Say that so old. That was your trauma. Yeah, Another thing he used to do. Like before. I set my really good boundaries. We've been talking on the phone, and he would have figured out Lied about something like the week before. And it goes, You're still on that?

spk_0:   31:45
Yes, it was last week because they never you left. You did this

spk_1:   31:50
last week. Oh, but I'm changed now. What? I thought this would happen on a weekly basis. No, like I'm a daily or weekly basis. And that's one of the reasons why I had to put really strong boundaries. Because it was Dr. Because that's why I did what I did. Because yeah, no, that's normal. People don't sit there and go get over something. That happened two days ago. Yeah, there was a significant lie that impacted your life, your Children's lives. So in order to drive myself crazy, I put boundaries around myself and blocked him from my phone and made a special e mail. And you could be no me on Mondays. Anything about the kids. You're talking to this person, the more you know, you realize they've been making you manipulating you for so long and making you feel crazy, Annie. Yeah. Okay. Yeah. I followed her for a long time. Yeah, yeah,

spk_0:   32:50
yes. Oh, Annie and Dr Annie is her handle. her handles. Yeah, freeze! And I feel like it's an e a cat, Xena AM and I e k s z i n a and she's doctor underscore Annie PhD. She's really good. She's got a lot of good ideas to

spk_1:   33:15
promote her on my old old instagram.

spk_0:   33:18
I just I just like I've seen her so things so many times on just the other day I was just like, You know what? She really has a hold on this narcissistic. A lot of therapists either don't know or they say they dio, but but they

spk_1:   33:34
don't know when they're with a really true narcissists. They do not know. We ask the questions. You can't deal with these people like you would a normal person that has the capacity for empathy or remorse. And you'll see the master drop when it comes to needing to be there with some empathy or remorse or sympathy. Okay, they have a hard time. They don't have empathy. And that's what allows them to do the things that they dio. Yeah,

spk_0:   34:10
that's the difference, because they will not put themselves in your shoes. Now, that's that. If you're okay. So if you are, If you're feeling bad or I wantto express something to somebody. I think about how I would want to hear it before I even would say it to them. Unless it's a reactive thing which moves my communication with him. Waas. But And if you're upset and in pain, you know, I might if you're like how my knee hurts, I'm not gonna give you a hug. But if you're like Oh my God, you know, I feel so empty inside, I'm going to give you a hug. So there's there's things that correlate with people that are not narcissists, right? You know that there's things that you do, that they just don't

spk_1:   35:01
have capacity. No, they don't. They don't because they don't feel it. They don't feel it. They don't know. Wait, what's a motion for that? I know they do. They probably ruffle through their head. Maybe that's when the roadblock the robot comes in weight, which would just sit there and kind of stared. You let me saying that go off, rage off and you're trying to get a Hugh. A lot of times, I think people who are in with it in a narcissist relationship with someone get angry and like, feel out of control anger because you're trying to elicit any kind of human. And they're not and they're not. And they enjoy that.

spk_0:   35:45
Yes, you know, power. It does. You know, one time I was so in

spk_1:   35:49
control. Look at me. I'm not like that's a good thing. Yeah, I'm not showing any emotion like this is a good thing. It's not.

spk_0:   35:57
No, it's not. And I'll tell you, one example was vomiting dry heaving over the toilet, and he's like, I gotta go. Then there's another time where I was so upset, like I don't know why you're doing this. Can you just just be like let me know like I was kind of concerned about him, Really? Because I was had just finished studying, uh, getting my bachelor's degree in psychology and going through it at that point. But, like, I want to be a sight, not a psychologist, But I want to help people, and I want, you know, certified now no therapy. That's where I want to do. And so I'm trying to understand him, and he pulls out his phone and starts videotaping May because I'm upset, asking him like and he's like, Oh, you're just jealous. What the fuck are you talking? I am the most least Joe's. I'm loyal. I mean, and I don't agree with a lot of you don't agree with open relationships unless you agree with an open. And I have been right. Okay, so it's communication. Exactly. That's that's the thing. Like if you found Cheat, you cheat. Fine. Tell you what's up. What do you need for me? What? What do I need to do? What happened? You know, but they don't because they don't even fucking know why they're doing

spk_1:   37:16
it. Well, the thing is to not communicate anything, that's, um you know, anything that will make a difference. Anything that's rial. I mean, because

spk_0:   37:29
here's my car. They have this fucking world different,

spk_1:   37:32
but their whole thing is to not communicate, to not communicate authentically. Yeah, will communicate with you. Do you make all the noises in the sounds that, you know seem human to that they've seen and mimic? Yeah, but right now, that's a good thing for a minute. But objective is to not not let go, you know, get inside or to be authentic with you. They're

spk_0:   38:00
they're not about that. I mean, it has to be that I know, and I've read this there so hurt something happened. There's like there's some It's a damage. It's a personality disorder. That's something that they, you know, get my whole focus. And thank you so much for being here is getting people moving through this process. Yeah, and moving on so that I could see Doe. Yeah, done like you're done now. And I know it's taken a long time. I still go on little roller coaster right now. It's now it's a kiddie ride, but instead it's still the ride that I just want to get off, you know?

spk_1:   38:40
Yeah, well, I think you know, I have my divorcement toward your mind when it's done, and the papers are signed, it all that stuff it's gonna be holding from ball game. It's gonna be great. But I couldn't see it because I was angry. I was fighting. Once You work something out, you can always go back. Yeah, Thank you for telling me that. Getting to the place where you have a settlement in place and the judge just signed the orders. It is in my friends who have gone before me told me this. You know, it is like a light switch.

spk_0:   39:18
Yeah, it really I I'm not there yet, but I When I moved, I could imagine moving out of the house was a huge lights, which for me was like, Oh, gosh, I feel free. But by no means do you do Are we saying that it's easy to divorce? Oh, no, because it's horrifying because you clearly see the drag out. You clearly see the siphon funds. You clearly So, yeah, then there, that they are just just making wrapping it up. It makes. And then that makes you angry. But that's what they like. They like the

spk_1:   39:54
control and any one of my friends. Really rich person who had a lot of different property, is a lot of money and all the stuff while was going on, he was just spending money. Yes, and that's how she was like trying to wrap it up, you know, And even my axe, that timeframe spend another 30 K. It's not the end, you know. You can always go back to modify it. That's a good recommend moving into a new space that helps a lot That's a whole different level. And then

spk_0:   40:31
if you can, I know for me. What I did was I redecorated. I got rid of a lot of their stuff. Stuff. You shoot because I was in school. I had to put off school for, like, a good, solid eight months, which was really there was just so many things that he was able to do because he had. He was holding our money, ran somebody still is. So he was. He's traveling. He's going here and keep Sam because I have a job. No, because you're spending the money. I'm seeing it on the statements and he's like, No, that's you spending time like Okay, First of all, you can't do that anymore to me. I'm not married to you. I'm not not an idiot, because that's what I felt like. I felt like an idiot fool. That's a point. Well, yeah, but it's okay. My point saying that is it's okay to feel like that. It's okay to feel, you know, that you didn't do it soon enough or do you didn't do it right or you did you listen to his lies and believe that it's a profit That's the That's the part that you need to get through because the things that stopped me, I remember crying on the floor, dry leaving over the toilet, and I'm sorry to be so explicit. But it's really crying until you can't breathe. You know, crying. There's no more tears. But the tears were therapeutic. They're

spk_1:   41:54
definitely therapeutic, and I just think, I mean, it's some point, It's got you, It's got it and it, Yeah, but

spk_0:   42:03
make no mistake, everybody, because they think that you're jealous. It's not. It's like you go do whatever the hell you want to do, sleep with what you want, but you're

spk_1:   42:16
not gonna use my money. Yeah, you'll feel weight from off of you. Do

spk_0:   42:20
you feel done? So that's that's it. You know, that's where we want to get to want to get done. Like Laura, Laura is done on the rocks. She is so done. And I'm so happy that you're in my life because you have helped me get through so many pieces and you know, I know you know, you have without even me knowing because I know it sounds a little confusing, but really, I know that you'll say things to me because I like doing this podcast. I said I really need to do this with turkeys. I really I remember. I text you And I hope you're proud of me. And like, Wow, she really is, like, thinking about I mean because of you, because I didn't

spk_1:   43:09
know, like, you know, that's not really my attack

spk_0:   43:15
here, but getting through it was so important to me. And you helped me through that. I mean, even knowing that you had been through it and experienced and was was

spk_1:   43:28
helpful. Yeah, it's really nice to have people you like your to the divorce mentor you

spk_0:   43:37
like always. I like everybody. I want to call them my follower, and I called him. My people there might try because thes air the unity my community might try because everybody on here, whether it's even against what I'm saying, it we learn from each other. And as long as we're open minded and you know, willing to look at each other and ourselves, you know, that's the hardest thing for me that I had to really look at myself like, Why is this coming up and why am I doing this? and I wanted to scream and then crying, but the community helped me get through that too. You know, their responses like, Oh, shit. I'm not the only one. Yeah, you know, Then you start to build confidence. So,

spk_1:   44:21
I mean, that's what's so great about you. Find your community where you feel validated and feel safe. I

spk_0:   44:30
protect them, and they protect me when people come in and start, you know, wanting the hash it up. And it's like, Fuck it. I'm not here to fight with you, but I'm going to say what I have to say, and I expect them to do the same. So just like in our relationships, communication is key. And that's you're talking about dating and how you know, to move forward. We really need to have the communication open and not only not disregard red flag,

spk_1:   45:00
Right. Uh, always miss Data Spear, huh? Look at their actions. And not just their

spk_0:   45:10
words. Yeah, that's the takeaway actions. It's all about actions. Move on, move through. And we're always here with the Laura. Please come back again. Yeah, and we're gonna do another podcast in a couple days with Lisa about parent alienation. So I love you guys so much. Thanks for listening for having me. Yeah,