Narcissist On the Rx

Describing the indescribable narcissist and the familiar behaviors we found best fit the description.

Transcript

spk_0:   0:00
Hi, everybody. We're back here and we're talking about the narcissist. I'm here with Lisa again. Yeah. Lisa, Thanks for coming. No problem. Hey all , how you doing? So, last week we were talking about the narcissist, and I wanted to really define it and look in the dictionary. And I wanted to do all these medical things on the disorder that it is the personality disorder is it is. But, you know, I I think that it just there's no definition the definition that that addiction, I was so vague.

spk_1:   0:58
Well, if you look in the dictionary, I swear to God, just see my

spk_0:   1:01
excess photo. Definitely. Fluffy is up there along with his. You know, spouse. He's in there, too. So really, it could be anybody's, I mean, literally. When you open the dictionary could be my spouse the next. I mean, yeah, the thing is, I understood very clearly with the narcissist is that it's not what you think it's It's not like, Oh, he's this way because he has tattoos or he's this way because he has wears blue jeans. It's like it's ever he could be anywhere. Well, I think also, too, you know, it's

spk_1:   1:41
always Narcisse sisters, always based on the story of the Greek God or not. God. Excuse me. They think they are God narcissists, right where he looks into the pool. He sees his reflection. He falls in love with himself and he dies. But that's not what a narcissist is. It's just not always about their physical. There's intellectual narcissists. There's all different sorts of narcissists. So it kind of gets, I think, very confusing for us, whether or not we're dealing with a narcissist, Um, that, like that confuses the heck out of me, too. So you're just completely in this tornado of am I dealing with one? Am I not dealing with one of my crazy? But I think that's what they do is make you crazy.

spk_0:   2:24
Yeah, and a narcissist like I said in the dictionary is very vague, doesn't give you do any justice for anyone. But if you go into narcissistic personality disorder, that's where you'll see the true definition of a narcissist, which should be in the dictionary under Narcissus period. But I think because we all have ah bit of narcissism, you know, instant us because we do have to take care of ourselves. And but there's degrees. Like you said, there's different types, and that's the scary part is that when it gets to the point where someone's cheating on you and they have no remorse and no compassion, if someone you're living with is cheating and telling you mean things and over and over again and making you feel worse, that's deliberate. That's purposeful. And to me, that is the true definition of a narcissist. See, I often wonder, I mean, do they know that they're doing

spk_1:   3:27
this? You know, Are they that calculating? Because I would hate to think that somebody could be that calculating. But I think looking back on it, it's I guess they are calculating.

spk_0:   3:37
Yeah, it's true. It's almost like their survival skills. It's like you and I have different survival skills. Everybody does, but this person that that's why I think it's it's so you know, I always joke about Oh, it's that they all have a playbook, the same playbook. But it's not that it's they have a personality disorder. That's what it is. That's why it's all the same. And I was looking at a post and, um, one of whom was saying how they do. You know, a list of 30 things that they dio um you know, they tell you they love you, but they really don't. They tell you they love you, and they can go to work and flirt with somebody else and have a whole double life. And it's really scary because we don't know that I didn't know that. I mean, did you didn't know? You don't know until you know, So you can't tell somebody. Oh, I think you're dating a narcissist because you've experienced it so you can see that situation and read. Read it very well. You can't tell that person. Oh, you're dating a narcissist because they won't. They don't understand until it happens. But don't you think

spk_1:   4:43
people shrug it off to Oh, yeah, everybody's a narcissist. So no big deal. Yeah, but I think it comes, like for me. It came to be where, you know, he came on so strong and everything was so wonderful and everything was so great. But then over time, he started shipping away at my confidence because I felt deserves an extremely confident woman prior to meeting Fluffy and then, after being with fluffy for so long he just started answering it away and etching it away. And it wasn't till long after the divorce, like eight years like now. Yeah, I realized that I gave him every power that I ever had, and every part of my being was deliberately taken away from me. It's like almost where, um, you know, he was a SciFi character. If he ate my power, he then took on that characteristic. But then I lost that characteristic.

spk_0:   5:40
Yeah, like an emotional vampire. It's he deserved. It's, you know, the thing is, he observed, you is you have everything he will. He wanted everything that you have. So he operated in that way. He watched you. He learned your skills, business and whatever else he took social situations. And they take it from you. They snatch it from you and then they make you feel like you're wrong for doing it. But they're using it outside, acting like they're not. Does that make sense? Like like they're in the home with you? They're watching you. They're taking those skills and taking him outside. But when you're together. But I think that's where the the when they start to alienate you. That's when the alienation starts so that they don't really. Nobody could tell you what's going on with you. Like what? You know, where you changing that. They also isolate you. They

spk_1:   6:39
isolate you from everybody that you're friends with. At least that's what happened to me because I noticed I was isolated from my friends. It was all of a sudden I don't like your friends. I want my family to. That was the other thing, too. I don't like your dad. I don't like your mom. I don't like your brother. I don't like your brother's wife. And he would cause little fights with them and I would defend them. And then we would be in, you know, like, disagree them with my family to eliminate me from having my family. Because when I was getting divorced, they were all like, Thank God, you finally see it. Thank God you're finally getting away from him. But it still took me 6 to 8 years after the divorce to finally get away from his energy. Yeah, you know, But it takes. I think it's hard when you're in the midst of it to see it, and then the gas lighting.

spk_0:   7:28
Oh, my gasoline was insane. Yeah, I want to talk for sure about that, because that is what starts the whole thing that we wrote it. You know, we get confused by, but they're so brilliant at triangulation, and that's what my ex husband would do, too. When I would talk about a friend, he would say, agree with me or say something about her bad. So then it started like, Oh, I guess I can't really don't wanna be around her because you want to please him.

spk_1:   7:58
That's like, Okay, she doesn't like him. Soul just, like start eliminating friendship when in fact, you should have kept that friendship

spk_0:   8:05
closer. Yeah, and then he'll tell Heywood. Tell me you don't have any friends. You cause trouble or

spk_1:   8:12
oh, my God, Completely. I know what you're talking about. Oh, God. Going

spk_0:   8:16
for the gas to get me out of the exciting like you're saying, Yeah, it's so it's That's where the scary part comes in because it's the river. It and I think for me I saw the triangulation first with his it. It's almost like you could see it was me, his mom and his and him that was a translation or that it was him, me and his sister or him, me and someone else meet him someone up. It was just constantly Now that I look back like you said, once you pull yourself out and get clarity from all the gas life right and that takes

spk_1:   8:52
a long time to get that clarity because I like I keep on saying it's taken me eight years after being divorced from him to finally get clarity. And that's when I Immediately when my son turned 18 and I decided, You know what? I don't need to deal with you anymore and cutting him off. And then the past year, it's like I've gotten such great clarity from not having this person around because everybody else in my life, the other 98% of the people in my life I don't have these problems with except for this one individual.

spk_0:   9:24
Yeah, yes, it is the common denominator that exactly, and they make you feel like you're the one that is causing all this trouble.

spk_1:   9:33
Like I'm a horrible person. People don't like me. People hate me. They think I'm a bitch.

spk_0:   9:39
Meanwhile, I'm working. My worked in my community, I've worked, and you have amazing things that

spk_1:   9:47
you've done the friends that I have. And I'm like thinking, Oh, my God. I have great friendships now. Yeah, If I was that bad of a person, I would still not have all the friends that I have. Yeah, exactly. Know. And then I realized he has no friends. He has not won best friend that he has known for. If they're not a client, if their client, they don't count. So they don't because there's a payoff there. Oh, you know what I'm saying? There's a payoff. But a true friend, like a true friend that a do or die, you know? Yeah, friend, like a right and die friend where there's no money in the money they are with that, have those arguments with the friends. But you're still work it out and you work it together. I've got girlfriends of mine that I've known for 20 years. Yeah, I can tell you one friend he's known like one friend over other than the General has been. You know, they've been married for six years. That's the only friend that

spk_0:   10:44
I know he has. Yeah. True. friend. That's interesting. I never really thought about that till just now when he said that there's not money being exchanged, I don't know. I mean,

spk_1:   10:56
is there something where they're reliant upon each other? But I'm talking a friend that will be there.

spk_0:   11:01
Yeah, because, you know, I If I would say to my friend, tell my friend a story about let's say something. I told him about me having the little tiff with somebody or her saying something and how I felt about it. She would say, Oh, was probably not a big deal. It's okay. I just asked her talk to her about it. But then you have someone like your friend who you trust, who you think is right, like your ride or die. And he's saying, Oh, no, it's just ignore her. Don't talk to her. You know what? Involvement in the draw? My thing. Yeah, I think they

spk_1:   11:36
really want to isolate you from everybody. It's like like you would never let a vampire into your house or back into your house on here. You let this guy, and because you're so sexually attracted to them and you just have these blinder

spk_0:   11:53
exactly. Hence Yeah, the we don't know what a narcissist is. We cannot define it in that way. Even, you know, it's just can't. So you're right. It's like you don't wouldn't let this vampire in. But you do what you do, and

spk_1:   12:09
then they suck everything out of you. Yeah, and it's like, but it is true. They take away the traits that you have there so positive and just leave you there, there to rot and die. You know, um, it's just like insane.

spk_0:   12:26
Yeah. Yeah, there's a There's a really good one. This started to happen with me. I would read a lot about Narcissus. And one thing for sure that I read that was like, just Whoa, it was that sheep in Wolf's clothing. And I was like the wolf in sheep's clothing. Oh, sorry. Yeah, that's right. Yeah. So listen, sheeps. Yeah, and that was like, that may be nervous, like, just even thinking about it right now. It made me nervous because I feel great. That's scary. You have. You have this, you know, soft person that you think is, you know, really special. And you're doing all these things with them important. Giving them like selling your soul part of you? No. Right. Telling them everything about you. And they're they're just sitting there calculating how How can they use a setback just so exhausting to be that type of person to sit either and constantly have

spk_1:   13:24
to, you know, figure out how you're gonna manipulate and, you know, as I got to know, uh, my ex husband and his business, it's just it was interesting to hear his philosophy on how he would manipulate people for business and what they do, you know? So it's it's just like I just think it's an exhausting thing. It's just beyond me.

spk_0:   13:50
Yeah, it really I can't even imagine. So I remember this one incident that I was We were having a fight because I knew it was cheating, but he was not admitting it. And I saw I saw a video on his iPad that I I I sent it to Marshall, and it was him plane a ping pong with my son, and I don't know why I kept watching it, you know, just that into it's just somebody that just tells you to just keep watching. You got to trust your instincts. Yeah, and I kept watching and the whole time he was filming this game of Ping Pong in for someone else. And I say that because there was many times where he was looking and kind of flirting towards the camera. And then when I My voice comes in from upstairs and I say, Hey, can you bring me this? He's literally rolling his eyes and, like, throw the ping pong pat up like, Oh, God, listen to her. And I think, Who the fuck do you think you are that you could be in my house filming my family and you're just fucking bringing it to someone else? Like it's no fucking big deal and lose that fucking person that's watching this. If I watch it, I'd be like, Are you fucking kidding me? What the fuck you doing?

spk_1:   15:12
But it's such a violation

spk_0:   15:13
because you're so am lease. Yeah, and that's the thing. Like you take everything, it'll take emotions. They violate all around. Fluffy

spk_1:   15:21
sent pictures of my son to his lover over Italy. He has wrought somebody into my house. I got to know my son and get that person. Give him my son presence. I like this is just raw. It is so wrong. I mean, having an affair is extremely wrong. But then to bring your son or your child into it is just such a even more violation. And I'm like, thinking to myself, What are you thinking doing this? What

spk_0:   15:53
do you Yeah, being you know exactly Because you're not, you're you're exposing Children drink thio an affair, somebody that the mother doesn't even know. It's right. It's huge violation. They don't That's the thing is that they don't have remorse for that. Somebody who cheats that and has remorse and that's healthy in the mind. They say, OK, this happened and you know what? I'm sorry. Let's how can we work this out? They don't do that other stuff. They don't keep doing it and right bringing people into the home like, to me, that was just such a violation. And I remember seeing that video when I was on a vacation with our family and I had to keep my mouth. I couldn't say anything because I thought All it's gonna do is just cause him to tell me that I'm crazy. I'm delusional and I'm causing drama

spk_1:   16:48
drama. That's the key word. You're so dramatic. Yeah, there. I mean, I went to school at USC for theaters. Of course, I'm drama now. That's according to him, right? So I I was create drama, which is so interesting because there's no drama in my life right now with fluffy out. Exactly. You know, the drama still around? That's not true, but it's just like at one point it's like, you know, what did. You're the one that started the play. So by having this play come into my house and taking pictures of my son and sending it off to somebody I don't know or having them come in and meet my son, who I don't know who you're actually fucking yeah. Is starting the drama. I'm just doing the climax of it in nailing you on it. That's so it's just it's not, you know, it's not appropriate. And I wish I would have known these signs before I married him. I think now I do know if I see a narcissist, but at times I'm drawn to narcissists and then I have to, like, stop myself. It's like a drug. Yeah, because we're drawn to them, you know, it's it's It's such a It's such a huh. And powerful men. So I like powerful men. Yeah, the thing is, is, you know, they didn't become narcissist overnight. And so how do you or is there therapy for them? And we can they have therapy? I mean, mine was diagnosed with NPD.

spk_0:   18:24
Well, the thing is, personally, just with what I know have read about it since I haven't just got my degree in hypnotherapy. It can be I don't want to say cured, but there's a lot can help with hypnotherapy with psychology. If you go to a therapist, it's great, too. But it also they also get information to use against you. Do you just imagine them as sponges? So whatever they're gonna get, they're gonna use it against you. It's like so with hypnotherapy, though you get it, they our place in a very, very calm state, right when they can actually think, because the thing is that they're so chaotic, they have to keep that chaos in their mind because they cannot be with themselves for one second. Because of the way that they feel about what they've done, They have to just justify everything they do because it helps them hope it's a coping Those air they're so with

spk_1:   19:23
hypnotherapy, um, on the narcissist, only thinking can we just hit the Chinese them and keep them in that hypnotic state so

spk_0:   19:31
they never killed. I mean, listen, if I could stop stuttering kid from stuttering for, you know, 17 years, I can stop a narcissist to continue that way, And it wouldn't be like, Okay, you're not gonna be a Narcissus anymore. It's, you know, maybe four or five sessions and then they would start. They would start to be able to be with themselves because what's happening was they were never like they were never channel to the next stages in their state. We have stages in life that we have to complete and go through to be healthy. And if we don't get through that, you know some of the stone. That's why we all have different things going on a SZ faras moving on or having our issues. Or, you know, we don't deal with narcissists the same way. And that's another thing that's really important is like, you know, you've dealt with yours differently. I dealt with mine. We have many, many friends that have also right dealt with There I went, I think

spk_1:   20:25
half of our hometown in Los Angeles, Yeah, is filled to the brim with narcissistic men and women.

spk_0:   20:34
Are we name, Remember? I just

spk_1:   20:37
I don't know. I you know, I want to say Hollywood definitely enables the narcissist, um, to the extent of our business does definitely the entertainment industry does. But you've got doctors that are narcissistic lawyers that are narcissists. You've got high powered CEOs that are narcissists. They in the sense sometimes I feel in their psychopaths to I feel is the past. Yeah. In order to be at that level, you do have to have those qualities. But I think when you're in an intimate relationship with them, that shouldn't be there. That's me. Personally, I think business wise, whatever.

spk_0:   21:17
I think we all Yeah, I think we're all on the one we are. Whether we're looking for all driven to do, to be successful. It has nothing to do with anything other than the drive. Right. So I could be not Nostra system be driven and not be a piece of shit in the world. But they they are, so it doesn't matter, you know, because if they're powerful or not, or if they are, doctors are, you know, it's just their situation growing up and what they were, What they had to put either they were protected, are not protected, whether they felt in control or out of control. Because I think that there's it's all about control. They just everything everything like,

spk_1:   22:02
well, and they control you ducks. They're so calm on the outside. But inside, they're just They must just be like going crazy, right? I definitely have to believe that's what they're doing. And what I fear for is the Children of narcissists. Yeah, because they don't see it. And then what happens is especially like the Children of divorced from a narcissist, like in my case, um, and then the stories or the lies that this personnel's your child about you to manipulate them to pull away from you. Yeah, that to me, you know, is very abusive for the child. Yeah, it's child abuse.

spk_0:   22:45
It is. But it's psychological abuse. And that's why I wanted to do this on narcissists. Because the Children, right? I mean, it's we can. Some of us can get through some of us can't get through. But for the Children, it's really, really important for everyone to know because, uh, they don't have a choice. They're already in in the situation, and they don't know how to get out of it. They I mean, you know, we didn't know how to How are they going to, you know,

spk_1:   23:17
but the narcissist likes to take no responsibility. Yeah, I did. And then they let you do all the work. Like, for instance, side to be the the caregiver and the disciplinarian. Yeah, and he got to be the dialling disease on. And then so when you know, there's problems at home, and I'm I'm trying to ground my child. And then I get a call from the Narcissus going Well, I give you this money for his piano lessons so you can't punish him by taking it away and then like, but wait, how How else am I gonna ground this boy? That 10. And they don't. They put so much pressure on you to do it. There were you, like, fine. Okay. Guess I can't ground him.

spk_0:   23:56
Yeah. I mean, you really can't either. And

spk_1:   23:58
if you did, you couldn't have that you look, you are the bad person and they become the good person. When then really, reality is they're equally as culpable. They aren't being there as a parent, but yet they swoop in at the end to scoop me AB and love them. And then, of course, your child ends up bonding with them more because they're believing those

spk_0:   24:21
lies. Well, those different for me because I didn't care about being the bad guy. I don't care because I had a lot of therapy. When you're lucky, I have a lot of therapy just growing up in general. I just I personally likes to see a therapist. I threat healthy. I think it's it's necessary for all the things that we go through in life. But but one thing for sure I had seen a therapist, and, you know, she always said, It's okay to be the bad guy. You want to be the bad guy, see? But that's the thing that Narcisse is. Don't They're not as smart as they think they are because you want to be the bad guy because you're the one in the end that will be respected. You're the one in the end that will be looked at as okay, she does stick to her word. He's kind of 1/5 of flippy floppy, whatever. So I didn't ever care about being the bad guy. And I have great relationships with my goal, my kids. And and he does, too. I don't take that away from him. I don't. I just know that mine is strong enough to over power any kind of. And that's another thing. Like, really have to tighten up these relationships and not be scared of the Narcisse is because they're not doing anything positive. And anything you do against them is the best thing you could do for yourself, your family and your Children. Yes, I think I

spk_1:   25:37
wasn't fortunate enough in order to know that, because I think he made me so weak that I lost all of it. And now with gaining my power again, that's where I'm gaining the strength in order to do shows like this. Yeah, and to stand on my own two feet up against him. And so, you know, that's I think, something that I feel you can give to a lot of your listeners right now is that there is strength. And there is, you know, different ways to like, um, uh, overcome the difficulties, the difficulties of being married to a narcissist or divorcing a narcissist and then continuing into your next act without the narcissist.

spk_0:   26:19
I agree. I mean, it's it is a really it's a tough time. And I do. I'm not saying that I had it all together by any means, because there was a time where I did get weak and I started to back off and I started Thio. I just became this person. I wasn't I didn't recognize myself anymore. So and when that's the divorce that you know, that whole thing starts to come up where you're thinking, you know what I need to divorce. I need to get out of this relationship. So I think that next time we should talk about, uh, divorcing a narcissist on the rocks. Yeah, let's have a special guest. I would love to have you know, um, a lawyer, a family lawyer. I'm here, so let's try to do that, Everyone. I think that this has been amazing conversation, and like you said, in our last episode, we'll talk about this throughout every episode. is gonna have, you know, something to do with their behavior, which is narcissistic. Well, yeah. I

spk_1:   27:19
mean, there's how many personality disorders with narcissism, like 9 10 I can't. I lose count, because

spk_0:   27:27
see, my years, I mean yeah, and I

spk_1:   27:30
think it's gonna be a ongoing theme. Constantly.

spk_0:   27:33
The D S m five was updated a couple years ago or so, but anyway, that it was like first it was five and seven then. Not now. I don't know. Maybe 30. I don't know. We'll get to all get up next episodes. We don't get to medical because you know what? It's not really It doesn't come that off that way to us. And we want to be really, really about how it is for all of us. Definitely. I'm so glad that we had such a great response on the first castle. I'm so excited to continue todo to do this and be here with you and have some special guests. And I love you guys all. Thank you so much for listening. And I hope that you get something out of this and I'm going to say that every single ending of episode because I really want you to have a takeaway. Okay, so we'll see you in 2020. Happy New Year.