Divorce and Holidays On the Rx

Divorce is already chaotic and here comes the HOLIDAYS. Managing your time around a crises can add extra pain and suffering. Lets face it! Splitting and organizing the kids time around the holidays is not what we want to be doing, but we do it anyway. Create Boundaries, New Traditions and more... On The Rx 

Transcript

spk_0:   0:26
Hey, everyone, this is Adriane. You all know me as divorce whisper on Instagram and today we are no longer whispering. I'm here in the studio with my side kick sometimes stand in co host Lisa Bayle. We have talked about divorce. She is, I say recent, but it's not right now. It's

spk_1:   0:49
It's about eight years, but it's, you know, four years since it ended. Like by the courts. Yes, that eight years of hell,

spk_0:   0:57
yes. And do you agree that I to me I feel like I filed for divorce two years ago. It feels like just yesterday because it's a nonstop fight. But I like what you said about the length of time. It takes, too, because that's very interesting you here. I've heard a lot of things that go. It takes two years to get over to your But what you said makes more sense. And it's just

spk_1:   1:24
like if you were married for, like, I was married 15 years together, 17 years, so it's gonna take half that length in order to finish or to get everything out, your emotions to get back on track and everything. So that's been eight years, So now I'm in phase

spk_0:   1:40
on that is not promising, but it's not promising. But yeah, and at least we know how you know what to expect. And I think that's the thing with everything about divorce and why we're calling it. Divorce on the rocks is because everything's just unknown. It's it's one thing after another and it's shaky and it's you're always on shaky grounds and trying to figure out what to do next, at least for me. It has been. And what started the instagram for me was that exactly? I didn't know where to go or event, and when you and I were talking about the upsets of it, you know, it started very casual. And then all of a sudden it's like me, too. Me, too, me, too. And I started telling me about the instagram and how all these other women aren't, you know, dealing with the same thing. And you know, because how is it possible? You know, I So for me, this is so important to do because I want everybody to know that they're not alone, that they're not crazy. They're not psycho. They're not delusional. If you're thinking something, it's it's happening for you. And so when I heard your story about your divorce, I thought, you know what? This is happening everywhere to everyone. In all scenarios that can you does. Every woman I

spk_1:   3:02
meet has gone through some type of

spk_0:   3:04
and they hate to

spk_1:   3:05
call it hell. It's just because you're going through a loss like you were saying one time about it being like a death. And

spk_0:   3:11
it is a death is the death

spk_1:   3:12
of a dream that you were looking forward to and what I like about calling it Divorce on the rocks. It's like, right now, yeah, it's a lot of ice. It's rocky. You know, I think our image of you know, a Scotch overwrought. This is great as soon it melts the ice, will ya? And then you have a great drink that you can, like, sit down and enjoy your life again. So I think that's why I divorced on the rocks. Resonates with a lot of us in that term. And how you're going to change the name from divorce whispered to this. Yeah, I think we go through so much hell, yeah. You know, we need to be there as a za clan helping each other through this, you know?

spk_0:   3:50
Yeah, it truly is. And I really love my followers because I feel like they are my plan. Like I I couldn't look tow any any post I stand who I who I am, what I stand for, your authentic Yeah, it's all about that authenticity. Divorce Whisperer has been such a a safe place for me because I do get a lot of I shouldn't say a lot. I do get some combat, you know, and it's okay, but I do stand my ground. So I really think saying authentic and being authentic and staying in the authenticity of the hell of the pain of the grieving of the death because it really is a death of, like, you said, if even not if not a dream, it was a death of a relationship, a death of a father, a husband. And so there's all these. What seems like all these deaths at once You know, the death of buying a new house or going out and vacationing together. There's just it's not there anymore. It's palm. And to see it just walk away like this is the way it's supposed to be was really hard for me and accepting that. So how do you think for you the first holiday is going to be, because that is also a death. Well, the first holidays, it was a nightmare. I mean, and I don't

spk_1:   5:22
mean like a nightmare. It's hard because, you know, especially when you have young kids because they're expecting and wanting dad to be there. And that was difficult with my son because all of a sudden he wanted daddy there all the time. And then, of course, I gave in and have Daddy there. And that was hell for me because I wanted to, like, stabbed daddy with Theo didn't It was gonna be a nightmare of, you know, massacre on having him there. But I had to stick it in, and I did it for my son, and you do those things. But in retrospect, I think I should have been more firm with my son said no, These there are new holidays and our anyway, And I understand you want dad here, but, you know, because it it made for a very tense time. You know, when it was hard until he became a teenager. Yeah,

spk_0:   6:11
and boundaries are important. I think that's what gets us in the position of your spouse, are thinking that you're not capable or because you have no boundaries or because they have no boundaries. But the boundaries are important because the same thing for May it was so, so brutal. It feels like, and I'm being a little dramatic here, but I am because that's what it felt like for me. Like my kids were just being ripped away from me. I can only see them half day on Christmas or Thanksgiving and like who wants that? Who really wants to set up for that? Like I And that's the hardest part. And that's why this podcast is so important for me now. This launch today because the holidays are the hardest part. I remember crying when the kids left and my Thanksgiving was crying my eyes out on the couch curled up in a ball, and I think about my curled up with a bottle of vodka. You know, like that. I love that. You say that you know the massacre on Christmas because you know what? I want to laugh about that, too, because these are true things that you think, and obviously you don't push them out the vodka. I found myself a times, you know, drinking wine. And I'm like, I'm fucking like one. Why am I doing? Because it's a It's something that just is a comfort. Well, I was calling a

spk_1:   7:42
self medication. Yeah, because you're self medicating for the first year after divorce. At least I wasin Bob can I got to know each other really well. We were best friends.

spk_0:   7:50
Did you have it on the rocks? I definitely had it on the rocks. And sometimes in a water bottle. Sometimes. Yeah,

spk_1:   7:58
sometimes in my coffee thing, it's just because you want to numb the pain and that's what you're doing. And especially during the holidays, you it's equally it's hard for the kids. Just imagine them they're going back and forth to so don't want in the gate. The kid's feelings, too, because they're going through hell as well, and it's just, you know, a sad thing all around, but then, as time goes on, it gets easier and easier to deal with the holidays. But, yeah, you find yourself lonely on Christmas Day or Christmas Eve. You know when you find yourself lonely on New Year's Eve to you know, So it's like,

spk_0:   8:37
Yeah, it really is. And being alone is different from being lonely, you know. Being alone is you want to be like That's something you want. You want to be alone to do what you need to do. But being lonely is a really sad place to be. And people don't realize that, And learning to be alone was something that was important to me because, you know, help you being alone on the holidays. Did it help you like you know what What I did, I started to do the Instagram and I started because I started to just do things that would make me feel different. Something that I wasn't used to doing. I kind of like the thing, the goal setting that we went to last night. It was like that, you know, like just doing something different, like I even working out and then I just I just put the clothes on, but I didn't actually do. And it's also you're

spk_1:   9:30
starting your own traditions now because before you had traditions that you had built with your spouse, so you had those traditions And then Now what you're doing is you're like, Oh, I've got to start my own. So what am I gonna do? Because you can't do the same things that you did with him. Because all of a sudden, you know, you put up that, you know, one Christmas ornament you're thinking, Oh, my God. When we got that in this, that the other. So it's so much better to get your new stuff and just put that stuff away. Yeah, I have your own new traditions. That way you're starting in establishing new things rather than always thinking about the old

spk_0:   10:04
right here. That's really good. That's a good point. Because I remember my first Christmas. My ex husband just jumped. The tree inn on the floor, which is just never happened was like a different person. So I remember, like cutting the tree, unwrapping the tree, which I have never done before. And I remember sitting there crime. But I want you know what this is Okay, I can do this. I did this before I was married. Exactly. So let me start something new. Let me let me put the tree up the way I want to and I remember fighting with him about what stars going on. I mean, seriously. So what? What new traditions did you bring into, Let's say, Christmas time around this year. Like what did you did you do anything? We'll see. I'm both

spk_1:   10:52
Jewish and Christians. I do both. So I got to celebrate Hanukkah a little bit more because my ass did not like that. So I put it menorahs and put that all around. And then, as for Christmas, it was like, You know what? I'm not gonna put up all of his stuff. Like he liked all the Beanie Babies with teddy bears. And I was like, Forget it. Those air gone eso Those new traditions are what I started and I started doing with my son like instead of it being a whole bunch of gifts, we're only gonna do one gift each. So it was more of that type of thing rather than let's do the big family meal with everybody coming over and

spk_0:   11:32
help out where your kids

spk_1:   11:34
went with in your first. Um, he was 10 when the first Christmas happened, and then it also for us, it's a double win because his birthday is New Year's Eve. So it's like we also had that to deal with as well. Luckily enough, because of who my ex husband is. He was always gone with a certain clientele during the holidays, too. So it was a little bit easier for May. You know, that was good.

spk_0:   12:00
Yes. Yeah, I think I think for me, too. I noticed that my husband had started traveling more and more often, really. But I thought it was you get jealous of the travels to be like, What the hell? You campaign the alimony, but yet you can go on a private jet off to, like, wherever you want to go. Yeah. I mean, yeah, it's just like

spk_1:   12:20
it's really And I'm gonna use that language because we can easily like

spk_0:   12:23
No, of course I think we should. Is this really? What are you doing? I have to pay for your mortgage and rent. And you're off, like in Bali. Having a gay old time. Literally. Gail time. That's another story in another episode, you know? Yeah, yes, too. Because it sucks. Yeah, that's exactly right. Now, I'm glad you said that, because that's exactly true. It happens to all of us all the time and, you know me is seen that my husband was traveling more and more thinking, Oh, we're saving to buy a house by house. We're looking at houses where he's talking about it and then all of a sudden, it's not. It's just done. And you know, Christmas is Oh, forget it. It's not here. Were just so many things happen around going towards finding yourself in a new space and them doing their thing and you thinking something different. It's so it is delusional. So, you know, I always think like starting the new traditions, finding the new, the new form formation of your family. And, you know, I was an only child. I remember my parents divorced, and I think that the new tradition was always just like you were saying, you know, just completely different. Not all the gifts. It's just a few gifts. That's what I did to which was really important, and it really I believe that it's going back to the kids also is it really teaches the kids the difference between you and him in the end. So it's more about quality rather than quantity. Because there was always a ton of presents under the tree. And I was like, How am I gonna pound my gonna buy all these presents when he's withholding funds for me on I can't even I can't even buy a gallon of milk because I don't have any money in the bank. You don't want

spk_1:   14:14
to tell your kids to that. You know, I'm sorry I can't buy you this because your dad's not giving you money, right? And you know, your kid's not gonna understand that you're trying to really mitigate their emotional trauma that they're going through to buy. Yeah, all of this. It's just it, really.

spk_0:   14:30
It's so much. It's really so much to keep under control. It's it really is. It's It's, um it's really hard And why this is so important for me to deliver to all of you this podcast because right now, during this time it's still hard for me, and it's been two years now are two Christmases and maybe three. I don't really have it all starts to blur anyway, so it really does. It really does every. Like I said, it's been two and 1/2 years, but it feels like just yesterday. I feel because of the because of the fights and the holidays, and you're trying to think of organization and who's gonna go where, what time and when and half days. And my kids are saying I don't want your kids are older Yeah, my kids, which I was that was very It's still hard for them, you know? It's still hard for me, you know, it is start still hard. But sometimes I do think

spk_1:   15:28
it starts to get better and it gets better as time goes on. Yes, And as time goes on, it gets better and better. And as you get more therapy, stop drinking so much vodka things definitely start to get better. Like, right now, Christmas right now to me has a completely different meaning than it Waas eight years ago. Yes. You know, I think I look at it in a much better light. It's not, you know, uh, as disheartening as it used to be. So I think for a lot of your listeners now or your Instagram followers Bill, they want that hope that it that there is a light at the end of the tunnel and I think that's what you're going to give to them in future podcasts. Is that light in the form to where they can talk?

spk_0:   16:18
Yes, yes, and feel safe and be able to express. But yes, it does. It does get better. And and even though the sadness and the memories are still there and it will come up to be walking up the stairs and I think, Oh my God, there's no Christmas with him But then it immediately passes, and I and I think I'm so peaceful in the space that I am now, and I feel so much better about the holidays. It's kind of like I'm not chaotic. I'm not running around for him and trying to do what I want to do. And the kids. Everything is just that

spk_1:   16:51
happened for some of those women. That feelers, they miss that chaotic stuff. Some of them like to that stuff. And that's why we got married is because we wanted to do all of that stuff for him. Yeah, so they may have that sense avoid. So how do they feel that void and not die aggress?

spk_0:   17:07
Yeah, I was that person I was I think that I remember fighting with him. You know that saying misery loves company. I literally believe that, like I know that it was that for him, Thio and for me I was mad at him, so I would text him and say, I can't believe you didn't tie the tree even after the tree was done and beautiful. And I love the way it looked And it was better than ever because it was all mine. It still was. It really pissed me off that he had just picked up the kids. So, you know, I just sat there and I said, I can't believe you didn't even entirely true And and then he was like, I can't believe you're someone grateful I've got I bought you the truth, you know? And it's just like so I know that I was in that space at times. You know that cycle that's like, Yeah, it's because it you know what it's almost like you have. It's the practice that you that you end up getting better. It's me practicing, being at peace. Yeah, and I think

spk_1:   18:07
you you know, over time and through the podcast, what we'll talk about is how you gain that piece how you're able to vent right now. For me, this Christmas is gonna be great. Because first year that I haven't. I talked to my ex husband in almost a year because my son turned 18. And I'm like, script.

spk_0:   18:25
I don't want to talk to that bastard anymore. I don't

spk_1:   18:29
need hiss spouse in my life. And I can enjoy myself now without knowing that I have to deal with him anymore. And I think that for me is the biggest Christmas gift

spk_0:   18:41
of all. Yeah, having to deal with them. So, you know, that's what do you say that? Because a lot of times when and that funny. But it's interesting because I find that a lot of times I am in that space, right? I'm so at peace because they're not there. And when you don't speak to them is when you can actually find your clarity and go. Oh, gosh, I remember that. Oh, I'm so glad that he's not here doing

spk_1:   19:08
that. Yeah, and then it's good too, because you remember all those things. So when you look at future people that you're gonna date you like, uh,

spk_0:   19:14
yeah, exactly. Warning Flag not going

spk_1:   19:17
for that married a date that not going there again,

spk_0:   19:20
Right? Which is what some women do, right? That that want to stay in that, you know, you repeat the habit. Yeah, You just keep repeating the habit over and over. And because we and there's times where we'll just keep thinking that things will get better because they're, I don't know, maybe they're gonna they're gonna change. And then after the 10th time, it's like, Oh, they're gonna be They're still being the same Still

spk_1:   19:48
the schmucks that they've always been. That's really my My ex is still the narcissistic asked that he's always been

spk_0:   19:53
Yeah, anything is now. I don't have blinders on. Now I see it. And you know what? On the next one, I'm really on our next episode. I really want to talk about the narcissist because the Narcissus, like, is like the devil. The devil doesn't come to you with horns in a tale. Neither does it. Narcissus. Narcissus doesn't come t o I want to define the Narcisse. At least around this time. I I remember scrolling through my Instagram yesterday, and I was thinking about what to talk about, and I came across one of the post. I did. And it was I just found out my husband lied about everything and I had no idea who I married. And I remember sitting there on the couch when I did this post, and I felt so tor between because I thought, Is this guy going to be Is this only for me? Is this really only for me, or does this happen all the time? And, you know, I want to talk about this, too, because for you, in your case, I know it's just it's really just gets really gets messy and shitting. And I Yeah, I mean, I

spk_1:   21:01
totally know that you just found out that your husband lying to you about What

spk_0:   21:05
is it about About everything. About every capital. Now you have no idea what mine lines

spk_1:   21:10
about. He lied about so much. Most importantly, his sexuality. Yeah, so that that, you know, it's like there's a big

spk_0:   21:20
life. I mean, like, what? What do you what they doing? Like, what is that about what I always thinking about? I always think,

spk_1:   21:26
you know, like especially with successful men, I always think it's about power on, and that's that's the whole basis of their relationship is about power and about the control of being able to control those situations. Because, let's face it, men shit. You know the muffs, right? I happen to be mine cheated with

spk_0:   21:43
a man. So there's yet there's the lie there on, and then everything else is

spk_1:   21:48
a lie because you sit there and go. Well, if you lied about that, did you light out? Yeah. So you know, I know some of your followers came back with comments about how they didn't know that they were lying for a year. It's like No, no, no. It's more than the year, sweetie. Yeah, Rust me and more than a year. Yeah. It's probably been from the day you got married. Yeah. You know, because, you know, lying at this capacity, it's just cause they got caught that one time.

spk_0:   22:16
Yes. Don't you think? I agree. And I remember saying to my husband, I can't believe that you lied to me. You're a liar. Is that Oh, now I'm a liar. I said no. You've always been a liar. I just got you. And you're mad about it. And that's the truth. And this is What? What? I want to talk about more on the next up. Why? I want to talk about the growing threat, all the episodes. What are you talking of? That So you know. But this is this just really hit home for me because I'm sitting here with you and we have different situations and everywhere. There's a lot of different situations, you know, People cheat on each other all the time. I want to just, you know, get down to the bare bones of Let's make it let's let's help ourselves through this these times and it's such a

spk_1:   23:06
violation when somebody does cheat on you especially intimately, you know, with sex, right? There are other ways that, you know, cheating happens to You can always talk about emotional cheating, financial cheating, all of these types of cheating Zzzz well, but I think most of us, you know, when it's it's the sexual, uh, cheating. That's I think, the hardest thing for us, too, you know, deal with like, um, for me. When I when I caught him having an affair with men, I I was angry and yelled at him and screamed at him and did all sorts of stuff,

spk_0:   23:41
right? And his response back

spk_1:   23:42
to me was like, Get over it. Everybody cheats.

spk_0:   23:46
Excuse me. G 00 God, I've heard that one. Yeah, yeah. So what? What? What's the lesson? Let's let's talk about the lesson in. I just found out my husband lied about everything, and I have no idea who I married. It's the truth. That is true. I know that. But a lesson in it, what could we give to these medicine is that

spk_1:   24:07
he's not an honorable person and get the hell out of the

spk_0:   24:09
relationship. That's that's I like that my like response to them. I do like it. And the reason why I ask is because there's many responses. There's many different ways that people handle it. And I am a big believer that, you know, like your husband saying, Oh, get over it. Everyone cheats. Yeah, that's easy to say, but how do we get there? And that's why I have the podcast. And that's how you know together at times when you're here with me, we can or not. Well, that's my my whole purpose of, you know, having every people understand and discussing about these personalities in it's It's a personality disorder. It really is. What I'd like to

spk_1:   24:51
know from your followers is what lie? They didn't catch them.

spk_0:   24:55
Oh, yeah, I think

spk_1:   24:56
would be great. Yeah. You guys need Thio? Yeah, Just, you know, the lie. Because I think knowing what the lie is because there's so many different lives and I get fascinated by every single woman I meet That

spk_0:   25:06
tells me. Yeah, they caught the man. How do you know? So it's like and I know

spk_1:   25:11
my lies that he had, you

spk_0:   25:13
know, I nailed him on every single thing with actual evidence. Show me proof. Show me. What do you mean? I didn't do that. I think nowadays,

spk_1:   25:24
too, we have a situation with everybody because it's so swipe left swipe right so quick to, like, cheat on somebody. It's a lot harder than you know in the past. So you know the past. Like when I found out that we just only have Facebook? Yeah, it's like every day. Yeah. And you become so enveloped into, like, being your own dick. Tracy.

spk_0:   25:47
Yeah. Investigating? Yes, Just like time sucks you? Yeah, that's so interesting. Interesting. Because I haven't a post that says that there's no better FBI person than a woman. Oh, I just I just found out her husband was cheating. I mean, I I could probably be in the FBI now. I know I could. I definitely could. I stayed

spk_1:   26:09
up five days straight researching this motherfucker

spk_0:   26:12
on Facebook. Yeah, is like, What the hell? Yeah. And then you start finding out Not only did

spk_1:   26:19
he cheat, but he's transferring

spk_0:   26:20
money over to accounts in Italy. Yeah. What the hell is up with that? Yeah, and so, you know, it's like I built the business with you. This is

spk_1:   26:31
not something that you get to unilaterally decide what to dio.

spk_0:   26:34
Yeah. Yeah, like that. It's devastating all all around. It's a Pandora's box. Yeah, one live. Yeah,

spk_1:   26:42
and there's a 1,000,000 others under there. Don't think it's just the first time. And don't when he says to you, it's only been one time notes of one time. You

spk_0:   26:50
cut a motherfucker? Yeah. And with mine, I remember asking him, you know, it's something that just wasn't right, you know? You know, feeling that just some things out of your stomach? Yeah, in the pit of your fucking stomach. It hurts Like how? Right? And you're asking. I'm asking him, Um who are you going with tomorrow? I've never asked him in 16 years who he was traveling with. What do I care? But something had me ask because I just have. He was insufferable doing that tuition. Yeah, exactly. But he was also being such an ass, like just being somebody hadn't been being before a week or two before. Maybe it was longer. I just know his longer. Yeah, it was totally longer. So I remember asking him and he so he sent me an itinerary. And I remember going What? What is this? And he said he called me in mature and said, What are you, an eighth grade? And the moment he said that I said that Bacher is cheating. He is fucking cheating on me

spk_1:   28:02
and you know it. You know that they're cheating all the time

spk_0:   28:05
because there is no way a man would say that he cared about his wife or his spouse. We're not disposable. We're not like up. Then you have to go to bed with these men After this is what happens the same got feeling that it hurts like hell in the pit of your stomach is the same one that you go to bed with until you get clarity, which could be months years, until you're probably, you know, until you practice getting used to not caring that. Yeah, I could see where some women can do that.

spk_1:   28:43
Me, I did it for five days straight until I got all the information. And then I sat him down and I'm like here it all is. And then the sigh of what I felt was like relief. He's like, Oh, my God, thank God I don't have to lie anymore

spk_0:   28:57
And I'm like, but it's it's it's it's hard because

spk_1:   29:00
then it becomes you want to kill them. Yeah, but you don't because you also love them. So it's like you have this love hate relationships. It's really you know, it's difficult to go to bed at night, but at the same time, how do they go to bed at night each night with you knowing that they're cheating on you? Yeah,

spk_0:   29:20
that's why we want their

spk_1:   29:21
They're stealing from you and they're stealing, not from me, but from my kid. And so it's like, you know, the devil's in the details. In a sense, Yeah. So

spk_0:   29:32
I'm not about the next Mars. He's on talking and nurse assistant. How to deal with them. Yeah, but I think you know, it's it's a difficult It's a slippery slope. Yeah. I hope that everyone got something from this. And I love being here to provide a safe space. And Lisa, thank you so much for being here, and I want you here. I want you here all the time because it'll be a lot of fun. We're gonna have a blast, people. You're gonna learn stuff. And we're gonna want to hear your stories. Yes, because we learn from you as well. Episode

spk_1:   30:11
narcissist on the rocks Go. Thanks, everybody. Cheers. Bye.